Andy Posted November 13, 2007 Share Posted November 13, 2007 A farmer goes out to his field one morning only to find all of his Cows frozen solid. As far as the eye can see are cows, motionless like statues. It had been a bitterly cold night, but he'd never thought anything like this would happen. The realisation of the situation then dawned on him. With his entire livestock gone, how would he make ends meet? How would he feed his wife and kids? How would he pay the mortgage? He sat with his head in his hands, trying to come to terms with his impending poverty. Just then, an elderly woman walked by, "What's the matter?" asked the old lady. The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his predicament to the woman. Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the cows noses. After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon back to normal and chewing the cud. One by one, the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was full of healthy animals.The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she wanted as a repayment for her deed. She declined his offer and walked off across the field. A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer. "You know who that was don't you?" asked the passer-by. "No" said the farmer "who?" "That was Thora Hird." A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said "How bad is it, doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancé is still a virgin, in every way". The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your Willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." The Doctor took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together... an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon. That night in the motel room, he rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts. She says, "You're the first; no one has EVER touched these." He immediately drops his pants and replies, "Look at this... still in the CRATE!" After her outburst on Breakfast TV, a Psychologist has denounced Heather Mills-McCartney as clearly unballanced. Sir Paul has phoned in saying that normally a couple of beermats under her left foot does the trick! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trev-the-Rev Posted November 13, 2007 Share Posted November 13, 2007 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris`I Posted November 13, 2007 Share Posted November 13, 2007 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stuey Posted November 13, 2007 Share Posted November 13, 2007 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
martinmac Posted November 13, 2007 Share Posted November 13, 2007 My answer to increased tax..... "When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." ~ Henny Youngman WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not." ~ Stephen Wright WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!" ~ Brian O'Rourke WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." ~ Benjamin Franklin WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer.. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." ~ Dave Barry WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ To some ! it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can! ~ Dave Howell WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went: "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers." WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ian Posted November 13, 2007 Share Posted November 13, 2007 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GIXXERUK Posted November 13, 2007 Share Posted November 13, 2007 :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
martinmac Posted November 13, 2007 Share Posted November 13, 2007 Sorry for adding Andy, yours cheered me up so I thought I'd add on a subject I feel qualified to talk on Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sl114 Posted November 13, 2007 Share Posted November 13, 2007 Love the Heather Mills one - money robbing bint! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andy Posted November 13, 2007 Author Share Posted November 13, 2007 Sorry for adding Andy, yours cheered me up so I thought I'd add on a subject I feel qualified to talk on No worries mate! Felt the need for a laugh this morning and got sent these via email so thought i'd share!! Loved yours as well! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jim Posted November 13, 2007 Share Posted November 13, 2007 Thanks to both of you - brightened up a dull evening. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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