Grundy's FB Status

[Grundy]

Happy putting statuses up but going to much into detail on facebook isn't my thing.

 

If I'm honest got more true friends on this community than I have on FB.

This thread is for those that asked what happened etc.

Anyway, quite like to hear opinions if I could on the matter...

 

 

Long story short, on the weekend my me and my mum are having to move out of our house. The plan is to go back to my nans (with my mum).

Issue is, the blame seems to be on me

Mum can't afford to keep the the house.

 

**She's an estate agent, worked her way to the top from admin in the 1st Job**

 

She got this house about 10years ago when she was in a very good job.

She then lost this job due to depression and some other serious incidents thanks to her 'insert any foul comment here' ex boyfriend.

 

She then picked her self up again and got a new job. Not as good money, but a job.

Then comes along another 'insert any foul comment here' ex boyfriend, who basically screwed her over of £10k, because she is too generous. Paying for holidays, smokes, drinks, nights out etc. Ex promised to pay her back when blah blah goes through. Never did.

 

Ditches that BF and continues working fine. Gets made manager of a branch at Fox and Sons. However decent monthly wage, no commission on sales, which was what she's good at.

THEN comes along the final prick of an ex boyfriend for the last 3/5 years. He had a shitty business that fell under and got a job on @*!# wages.

Again mum being generous as she is pays for this that and the other.

 

One thing you need to know is she loves going on holiday and has to go at least 2 times a year.

 

She then left Fox + Sons to a smaller branch to be a salesman. Crap pay again. No future prospects. Either left or got made redundant after a year.

But she is now back at her Original job. However not the same money she was on, almost half of her original salary, which is gutting for her.

 

 

But through out this time, she has amounted a lot of credit card debts.

But still goes on holidays etc and just doesn't know when to stop...untill now when it's all too late.

 

 

But the status was basically about my mum blaming me for the situation we are in. Saying I'm selfish and only love my self :/.

I pay her rent, I help out where I can, she asked if I could up the rent, I asked how much, to which she replied what can you give me? I told her the amount and just looked at me like shite. (it wasn't an offensive amount I was offering her **Don't want to disclose figures in this thread**) I offered as much as I could to leave myself with Bills and a monthly living amount - Fuel to work mainly (50 miles a day)

 

It annoys me that it's fallen on me, how was I suppose to be aware of my mum throwing her money at her ex's and her holidays to then land us having to move out, all because I can't pay more....Feels unfair on me.

 

 

 

Now am I seeing it right? Or am I being selfish?

I stay at home 90% of the time, I don't cause my mum grief (drugs/drink/partys etc) I buy my own food (especially now to this stupid healthy eating )

I tried cancelling my pension but I was 4months past the 2 year cut off point to get any of it back.

I'm now trying to sell things to give her money to help her (I.e. my rays that I wanted to keep, will be up for sale soon etc)

 

Just a shitty situation.

 

Sorry for blabering on the forum, just I see a lot of you guys as really close friends

#nohomo

[WhackyWill]

At this stage Matt, you two need to stick together and not fall out.

 

Sit down with your Mum and talk about a way forward for you both

 

hopefully without loosing your house, its easy at this stage to blame each other

 

but your loosing sight of the big picture..You both need each other in this situation.

[Lyndzzz]

Sorry to hear about this, I totally understand why you'd feel hurt by the whole situation.

 

Will's right though, try get past the upset and try to work together.

 

Good luck to you both

[GMballistic]

Hhhmm this is a difficult one.

 

Personally I don't like things like this as I believe it is down to parents to look after themselves and support their children. It does frustrate me when my fiancee has to lend money to her father because he's short of cash as at the end of the day he's a grown man & should manage his finances better.

 

I do agree with looking after our elders though, ...but just not sure if it's right or fair that the younger generation/siblings of irresponsible people should suffer.

 

Worst thing though is when people let things like this ruin relationships with family members. You only get one Mum & Dad after all.

[DoogyRev]

What Will Said ^^^

 

You will get through it

[Wasso]

At this stage Matt, you two need to stick together and not fall out.

 

Sit down with your Mum and talk about a way forward for you both

 

hopefully without loosing your house, its easy at this stage to blame each other

 

but your loosing sight of the big picture..You both need each other in this situation.

 

Good shout

[Will370z]

Yup completely agree with Will.

 

Hope you get through it ok

[Flex]

Well I never thought I'd say it but I also agree with Will.

 

Families can be a right pain in the arse at times but that's the way it goes, you have to rise above any negative comments directed at you. Probably just looking for someone else to blame (not that you can say that).

 

Good luck fella xx

[Stutopia]

You gotta look after her as best you can mate. I imagine it's easy to give you a hard time as you're there and these other ******* aren't. I don't know you or her, but I bet you know what your Mum would do if the boot was on the other foot, she'd look out for you.

 

Doesn't sound like your fault at all and she probably knows that, but it'll be hard for her to admit that to herself, let alone you. I think it's irrelevant who is parent and who is child, you're all family and you need to stick together if you can. I imagine she will be finding it difficult (and probably embarrassing) leaning on you for financial support, parents never really expect things to go that way, but sometimes they can. I've got a little experience of this myself the last year, but while ever I'm working I'll do what I can.

 

However, there's no point in letting it go on as it is, you need to talk it out calmly, but sounds like a conversation about "living within your means" is necessary, it's not palatable and it will be painful and ultimately she'll already know that, but unless your financially set to keep picking up the pieces, something needs to change. Don't lose your rag, though I'm sure you'll be tested.

 

Good luck bud, it's not gonna be easy but sometimes you just gotta suck it up and do tough things. Life can swing round pretty quickly and you never know what's around the corner.

[ioneabee]

good god - Will's being sensible :scare: and completely correct

 

hard time ahead Matt

[Squee]

Didn't want to do a 'read and run' on this thread but I don't have much more to add that previous members have said. It seems to me like your mum is just lashing out at you as you're the nearest. She's probably a bit embarrassed at past choices and very frustrated but unfortunately it's you who's bearing the brunt. I know it's easier said than done but try not to take her sniping personally.

 

Hope you and your mum have some better luck soon

 

S.

Edited August 6, 2014 by Squee

[Ekona]

When I got to the bit about the second sh*tty boyfriend, I was already starting to think that your Mum has issues. By the third, I was just feeling utter despair for you mate.

 

Honestly, at this point I'd be dangerously close to looking out for myself above everything else. Let your Mum go and live back with your Nan, go with her for a month or two, then get the hell out of there and find your own place. Rent something, anything, but if you don't you're going to be saddled with her mistakes for your life.

 

It's going to be hard, and it's going to cause a huge row, but you need to talk to your Mum and point out her mistakes in clear detail or she's going to do this all over again, and you know it. In the same way that parents often have to tell their kids exactly what they're doing wrong (and let's be honest, they're normally right too!), you're going to have to turn the tables and do this to your Mum. No nicey-nicey, just be blunt but factual. If you love her, and I've no doubt you do very much, then you're going to have to intervene for her own good.

 

 

 

I have massive, massive sympathy for you fella, I really do. Always here if you need a chat, and if you want to get away for a few days you're more than welcome to crash at my place.

[14N]

I can't really add anymore than has been said above. This place isn't just a forum, it's a community. We all feel for you mate and wish you the best.

 

If you do need anything, if we can, we'll help.

[chirag1988]

I agree with Will, Gareth and Ekona above - this is going to be a difficult time for you mate, but you have to think that you and your mum only have each other. You gotta sit down and talk it out and keep your best to stay calm. It's easier said than done though. I agree with Gareth that as a parent it's your duty of care to look out for your child (no matter how old they get), but at the same time as their children we also have to look out for them.

 

In my family we don't see money as "mine and theirs". Yes we have our own bank accounts and own income, but when it comes to paying for stuff for each other we just see it as "family money". That way nobody feels like they "owe" anyone anything. And let's face it, as a family we shouldn't have to "owe" each other anything - it should be done for the love of your parents/children/siblings (even though at times they p!ss you off to the max).

 

Ekona's right in saying that you need to confront your mum and lay the cards out on the table to her. She probably is feeling embarrassed about the situation and she's lashing out at you coz you're the only one there. See past her blaming you and see the emotional pain she's also in. I still don't think it's right of her to blame you for this, but it's how her mental state is at the moment.

 

You guys will work it out - blood runs thicker than water Matt.

 

But sometime distance will also help. So if you can afford it, get a place of your own to rent, or flatshare or something while your mum stays with your nan. Let her realise how much you do for her, let her miss you.

 

Different situations make people change, and hopefully in your case for the better.

 

Hope it all works out for you in the end bud - you're a good guy

[Ricey]

Didn't want to do a 'read and run' on this thread but I don't have much more to add that previous members have said. It seems to me like your mum is just lashing out at you as you're the nearest. She's probably a bit embarrassed at past choices and very frustrated but unfortunately it's you who's bearing the brunt. I know it's easier said than done but try not to take her sniping personally.

 

Hope you and your mum have some better luck soon

 

S.

 

This with a dash of what Dan said.

 

Youre the closest so you're getting the brunt because there's no one else to blame.

 

However there comes a time mate when standing on your own 2 feet might just be the ticket for both of you.

[Mudman]

Things reach a point and life's crossroads appear. Take the positives in that maybe its time for you to go your own ways for a while. Forget the past, it cannot be changed and does no good blaming, close it off and focus on what can be changed and that's the present and future

 

Be positive, in a few years you will look back and realise its one of life's tests and there will be a load more of these to come

 

Take out the emotion and focus on the realitys and you will both be fine

 

I'm sure it will all work out so good luck and sounds like we are all here to listen when needed

[Flex]

Alternatively, post something up, ask for advice and then never come back to say how amazing our advice has been

[Ekona]

[sipar69]

You asked for opinions so I'm assuming your open to all points of view. I have to say that coming from a generation when it was the norm for people to move out as soon as possible (17 in my case) and live independently, I cannot imagine being in the situation you've outlined (I know it's more difficult these days).

 

From what you've said, it sounds like your mum has made some seriously questionable choices and I would be very uncomfortable with the idea of one of my parents being financially dependent on me while at the same time going on two holidays a year. You say she 'has' to go on two holidays a year...nope she 'has' to have food, shelter, clothing...not two holidays a year.

 

I've never really bought into this family is everything thing - if someone is behaving stupidly being family doesn't excuse it. I'm with Ekona in that I think you need to have a difficult conversation with her and stop being an emotional crutch who she can conveniently use to blame for her mistakes (and subsidise her holidays).

 

Sorry if that sounds harsh but you did ask...reading your post made it sound like you're the parent.

Edited August 7, 2014 by sipar69

[glrnet]

You asked for opinions so I'm assuming your open to all points of view. I have to say that coming from a generation when it was the norm for people to move out as soon as possible (17 in my case) and live independently, I cannot imagine being in the situation you've outlined (I know it's more difficult these days).

 

From what you've said, it sounds like your mum has made some seriously questionable choices and I would be very uncomfortable with the idea of one of my parents being financially dependent on me while at the same time going on two holidays a year. You say she 'has' to go on two holidays a year...nope she 'has' to have food, shelter, clothing...not two holidays a year.

 

I've never really bought into this family is everything thing - if someone is behaving stupidly being family doesn't excuse it. I'm with Ekona in that I think you need to have a difficult conversation with her and stop being an emotional crutch who she can conveniently use to blame for her mistakes (and subsidise her holidays).

 

Sorry if that sounds harsh but you did ask...reading your post made it sound like you're the parent.

Have to agree and would add the following, as others have said you only get one Mum so she needs any reasonable support you can give her but she also need to face up to the level of support that you might NOT be able to give her. In short your mum needs financial help and you can't give it to her, that ISN'T your fault mate it's hers. She has some issues and she needs help to resolve them, not just from you I would suggest. She obviously wants desperately to be in a relationship and to be loved by someone but it would appear that she is preapred to "buy" her happiness, it won't happen. If you can you need to sit down with her and try to talk this through, the danger of course, is that she will throw even more blame at you if you go down the "home truths route", i.e. "how can you say all this to me at such a time as this etc etc." Unfortunately, the reallity is that this situation is mostly of her own making but it's going to be difficult to get this across without a lot of pain.

 

In reallity I think she needs some professional help with regard to her finances but are these problems triggered by s deeper seated insecurity/loneliness. I don't know I'm not a doctor but maybe that's the route to try and get her down after all this upheaveal has settled down.

 

And I have to ask when did she tell you you have to move out this weekend? I'm guessing but fairly recently? If so she really needs to get her head out of he sand and face reallity.

 

Sorry if this was harsh (I have made one or two assumtptions that maybe incorrect) but you did ask for opinions and I hope this gives you something to think about/analyse.

[Rock_Steady]

Please please tell your mum to stop,giving,her,hard,earned,cash,away! I think reading that more than once physically hurt me. That would be most of the problem gone. But, why not do what others have said, thrash it out with your mum and go from there. You have your own life too, and tomorrow is another day. Never give up and chin up.

Edited August 7, 2014 by Rock_Steady

[Paddy78]

Terrible to hear all this mate and I can't really add anything that hasn't already been said.

 

However, your Mum may have a point about your contribution to living. I obviously don't know the situation, so apologies if I have this wrong... just trying to rationalise where you Mum is coming from. Have you worked out how much it would cost for you to get a place of your own (including rent, council tax, gas, electric, home insurance etc. etc.)? If this figure is less than ~£700 a month then you have your sums wrong! If you offered to pay your Mum a lot less than this, then she is naturally going to be annoyed, especially as she will be venting some of her financial situation on you.

 

As others have said, it's probably time for you to move out. Would you be getting blamed for your Mum's situation if you'd lived elsewhere for the past few years... I'm guessing not.

[mouthwash]

I can attempt to make a joke if it helps? That's all I do in these situations so probably not the best person for advice.

 

Best of luck mate and you know I'm about if you want to chat or play some games to get away from it all

[Flex]

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[Grundy]

I'm here Flex!

 

Left this thread too it last night as I wanted to reply this morning.

 

Firstly, thank you to everyone for the kind words and support! As I originally said along with a few others, this is more than just a forum!

 

No offense has been taking by any post, it's all true what you have said and things do need to change.

 

Me and my mum are more like Brothers and Sisters, we always fall out We've had bigger arguments than this before, however, never involved us having to move out.

It's always been the same with me taking the blame, after all her break ups etc, she'd come home after a bad day at work and just be all shitty with me, I just take it on the chin as I know I'm the only one around for her to take it out on.

 

- Thanks for the kind words and offer Dan means a lot. That's my plan, I'd rather not go to my nans, we'd all get under each others feet even more than we do.

So popping round my dads tonight and have a word to see if I can hold up there for a few weeks until I can come up with a plan.

 

My mums plan is to go to my nans for 6 months, clear off the debt then move back in.

It's not a million miles away, only about 5 miles away, but it won't be the same, 4 people in 1 house (not the largest house in the world) and my bedroom is probably smaller than the Zeds boot )

 

Money's never really been an object in this family (More my mums side anyway) Mum helped me out several times throughout my life with money, and now that I'm in a better paid job, I figured instead of just giving her money, I went the extra mile on Christmas and her birthday.

 

That was the other issue - Giving her money. It just seems stupid because I can't trust her to pay her debts/bills off with it. I've spoke to my nan about it and she said that's not down to me to make that decision, but I feel like it's stupid if I was to give my mum X amount of money for it to just go on a shopping spree/holiday etc (It may not, but I know thats what's happened in the past)

 

Just a pain that this has all happened as I really didn't want to Rent a place, I always wanted to save up and go into a mortgage or at least part rent part buy scheme, as for me renting is just throwing money away But I guess it may be good for me.

 

 

 

Again thank you all for the comments, hopefully Flex is happy now! And also for the PM's offering if I need anything/help moving