Dan Posted July 23, 2007 Share Posted July 23, 2007 This is very off topic I know, just want some opinions. My girlfriend just split with me after 18 months together. She has gone back to her ex, who she was with for 3.5 years. It turns out she has been back with him for 6 weeks, but she says she just couldn't bring herself to tell me because she knew I would be upset. I believe her, because she is a very loving girl I really don't think she intended to keep things from me. Anyway, she says she wants to stay friends forever and keep in touch on a daily basis with texts and phone calls, however every time I speak to her I get upset and can't help picturing her with him. I think it might be better to just let her go rather than keeping in touch. My problem is I still love her and would take her back in a heartbeat, so every time I talk to her I'm telling her I love her etc and trying to get her to give us another chance to sort things out. This obviously won't be helping her much and I really want her to be happy, so if she is going to be happy with him I should let her get on with it and stop messing with her head but I can't help being selfish because I miss her so much. Whats the general consensus, is it easier to let go completely or is it good to stay in touch ? Thanks guys ( and gals ! ). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
martinmac Posted July 23, 2007 Share Posted July 23, 2007 Time is a great healer. Unfortunately we dont have a fast forward button. Sounds like something that could drag on but I dont like giving advise and rarely take it. Feel for you mate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lomoto Posted July 23, 2007 Share Posted July 23, 2007 Go and have a week on the lash in Amsterdam Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Removed Posted July 23, 2007 Share Posted July 23, 2007 move on. The "let's stay friends" thing doesn't work imo. Now get yrself a proper ASW car and let the good times begin :teeth: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
H5 Posted July 23, 2007 Share Posted July 23, 2007 IMO she won't be able to move on, nor will you and neither will have a happy time in the next few weeks / months / years. As hard as it may be, go wild, get it out of your system and move on. Sorry to hear it. Humans are plagued with this emotion disease. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sinbad Posted July 23, 2007 Share Posted July 23, 2007 Ive been in a similar boat with my ex and not met anyone since (4yr ago) and my best friend who was with his girlfriend for 11 years and engaged is going through the same thing at the moment (split up 2 week ago). quick asnwer is to cut all contact. I know how painfull it is to love someone and yet not be able to be with them. At times i cried myself to sleep (A wuss, yeah i am). It doesn't get easier as time goes on but you do eventually deal with it in a better way. Keeping in touch will just prolong the pain. You'll spend alot of time hoping she's going to ring or text and tell you that she's changed her mind, but it will probably never happen. I'm sure she's thought long and hard about what she was going to do and her actions speak volumes. If you love her, you'll want her to be happy no matter what. whether thats with you or not. She knows how much you care for her which is why she couldn't bring herself to tell you and the reason she wants to stay friends. But in my experience friendship doesn't really work, especially when your love is not recipricated. Certainly not on the level of texting and calling each other daily. What will her ex think of her doing this? I know it'll be really tough but you have to put your mind and thoughts on other things and not torture yourself by talking to her. From experience, i personally would stop speaking or seeing her. It will be hard at first but it will help with time. I'm here for you if you need to chat and im sure others on here are too. I know ive been pretty frank, but i really do feel for you and hope things work themselves out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sinbad Posted July 23, 2007 Share Posted July 23, 2007 I agree with what the others have said too. Its hard, very hard, but you do need to move on. Having friends and family close by helps, and going on the lash will probably help in the short run too. My moto was "I'll never love somebody like i love her, but i will love somebody just as much but in a different way" Here's a beer from me anyway... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MAB Posted July 23, 2007 Share Posted July 23, 2007 I have tried the keeping in touch thing and IMO it does not work. If you still love her, you will still harbor the hope you can get back together. In actual fact I think you are more likely to get back together if you don't keep in contact. at the moment , she has the best of both worlds. Speaking with you and being with the other chap. If she does not have any contact with you , she may once again realise what it was about you she loved and want you back. But hey - everyone is different. Go and enjoy yourself doing something you would not have been able to do before. Good luck and as everyone will tel you , time is the best healer (and Stella of course ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jacko Posted July 23, 2007 Share Posted July 23, 2007 Dan, Without going into too much detail, I've in a similar situation about the staying friends vs not etc..... I think to be honest, you need to give yourself a break from her initially to give yourself some time to heal and get over the pain....... at least at first. If you try to stay in touch from now, then you are just going to be going through agony as you will be prolonging the hurt. I know that in her eyes she doesn't want to hurt you and doesn't want to loose you as a friend but she needs to respect that you need time to get over this...... If you do really want to stay friends then the break will give you both time to see how much you missing each other as friends and also whether YOU can. But I'm not sure its a good thing as you will be torturing yourself each time you see her, speak to her as you won't be together. But only you can answer that in your own time, there is no set period is there.... But she needs to respect that you need some time away from her. If you do that, then depending on how you are as just friends it may work, but in my experience and from other people then its a hard thing do do.... Anyway, here for you to talk about if you want to talk offline...... (PM etc).... Hope you ok mate Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jacko Posted July 23, 2007 Share Posted July 23, 2007 And good advice from Sinbad mate, You in the wrong job, do you want the job as site Agony Aunt? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lomoto Posted July 23, 2007 Share Posted July 23, 2007 And good advice from Sinbad mate, You in the wrong job, do you want the job as site Agony Aunt? I'd never have thought Sinbad would be such a sensitive soul Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sinbad Posted July 23, 2007 Share Posted July 23, 2007 Dan, Without going into too much detail, I've in a similar situation about the staying friends vs not etc..... I think to be honest, you need to give yourself a break from her initially to give yourself some time to heal and get over the pain....... at least at first. If you try to stay in touch from now, then you are just going to be going through agony as you will be prolonging the hurt. I know that in her eyes she doesn't want to hurt you and doesn't want to loose you as a friend but she needs to respect that you need time to get over this...... If you do really want to stay friends then the break will give you both time to see how much you missing each other as friends and also whether YOU can. But I'm not sure its a good thing as you will be torturing yourself each time you see her, speak to her as you won't be together. But only you can answer that in your own time, there is no set period is there.... But she needs to respect that you need some time away from her. If you do that, then depending on how you are as just friends it may work, but in my experience and from other people then its a hard thing do do.... Anyway, here for you to talk about if you want to talk offline...... (PM etc).... Hope you ok mate Good advice! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sinbad Posted July 23, 2007 Share Posted July 23, 2007 And good advice from Sinbad mate, You in the wrong job, do you want the job as site Agony Aunt? I'd never have thought Sinbad would be such a sensitive soul their's more to me than meet's the eye!! And yes, i'll have the job! How much do i get paid? do i get my own topic like Louie and Sarnie?? lol anyway, i know you'll make your own mind up Dan but whichever you choose your going to find it hard. You'll know whats best for you. I just hope it all works out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
martinmac Posted July 23, 2007 Share Posted July 23, 2007 One other point Dan, the only way you will really get over it is by meeting someone new and that aint going to be easy if you are staying in touch. You wont be in the right frame of mind and it would be very difficult for the new girl. I moved on and dispite what I say in some of my posts, I couldnt be happier now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rickya Posted July 23, 2007 Share Posted July 23, 2007 From personal experience: break contact & move on completely. Easier said than done but in the long run IMO its the best course of action. ps I would go on a nice holiday with some mates (Ibiza/Phuket/Hong Kong etc) & have a laugh & try to forget. Goodluck mate Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MAB Posted July 23, 2007 Share Posted July 23, 2007 One other point Dan, the only way you will really get over it is by meeting someone new and that aint going to be easy if you are staying in touch. You wont be in the right frame of mind and it would be very difficult for the new girl. I moved on and dispite what I say in some of my posts, I couldnt be happier now. +1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AndyC Posted July 23, 2007 Share Posted July 23, 2007 Sorry to hear this Dan, always a very difficult time. IMO the staying friends thing doesn't work, tried it a few times and it just doesn't work. My last ex I was with just short of 5 years, split up and kept in contact initially but it was getting harder every day (as she still had feelings and was on at me to give it another go). After a couple of months I severed all contact and its been far, far easier that way. I've tried staying friends with other ex in the past too and that hasn't worked either. Best of luck whatever you decide to do fella Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dan Posted July 23, 2007 Author Share Posted July 23, 2007 Thats absolutely brilliant guys, I really appreciate you all taking the time to reply. I am wrestling with things in my head just now. She told me last Sunday and I spoke to her every day last week and basically pleaded with her to reconsider and come back. Then I learned she was back with him 6 weeks ago - her birthday - and realised it was too late. At first I was angry with her for keeping this from me. We speak every day and she never said a word about this, but I accept that she was trying to protect me from being hurt, in her own way. Anyway, by Friday I realised I should give her a chance at being happy with her ex - and give me a chance to cool off - so I asked her not to contact me. I've not heard from her since Friday morning and I'm dying to text her to make sure she is OK but I really want to wait and see if she will text me first. This is the longest we have been out of contact in the last 18 months. I'm alone and hurting, she is with her ex and maybe I don't even cross her mind. At least by not contacting her she might just start to miss me and contact me because she really wants to, and not just because she feels sorry for me. I hate this stuff, it's almost enough to stop you getting close to anyone again ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
martinmac Posted July 23, 2007 Share Posted July 23, 2007 Shame we cant get partners like cars, buy the basic one you want and then modify it to your own spec. Be easier for everyone but probably a little boring. Somewhere out there your next girlfriend could be going through the same thing, go out and find her and get over it together. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rickya Posted July 23, 2007 Share Posted July 23, 2007 Plenty of lovely fish in the vast seas.....be thankful your single again....your glass is half full not half empty.......be positive & get your mind off the subject Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MAB Posted July 23, 2007 Share Posted July 23, 2007 Plenty of lovely fish in the vast seas.....be thankful your single again....your glass is half full not half empty.......be positive & get your mind off the subject +1 - Wise words grasshopper Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zedrush Posted July 23, 2007 Share Posted July 23, 2007 Hi Dan really feel for you mate, there is not much I can say that hasnt been said already. Just think you need to pull yourself away from it all for a bit, the friends thing again in my opinion doesnt help, as you will constantly be thinking of her and everytime she calls up secretly youll be hoping for her to say she wants to get back with you, and to be honest, without sounding to harsh, if she went back to her ex, something wasnt 100% when she was with you. And she might not be the one for you dude. Last thing you want is a woman who cant make up her mind, no matter how nice or genuine she might seem. As she will only end up having you on tender hooks and that aint fair. You got to try and cut her out, and trust me she will regret it later on, and it will be her loss not yours. Time is a great healer but as someone said its a shame you cant press the fast forward button. I was in a similar situation once and was so hurt. I lost my appetite, couldnt train, couldnt work, always checking my phone to see if she called or text or something, semi naked pictures of Kelly Brook offered me no comfort either, now thats bad, lol. But as time went on I did meet someone else who means more than the last and I thought that would be impossible. And guess what, my ex calls me weekly now crying wanting to get back begging me to give her another chance, and thats 3 years later, but at the end of the day, you have to do whats right by you, and only let people into your world if they put your feelings first, and not leave you on tenderhooks. And I know they always say it, there will be someone who you will feel closer with and it will work out. Just at the moment you will feel like that she was the perfect girl for you, and noone will ever be able to replace her, and you dont want anyone else, blah blah blah, and all that rigmoral, but youre gonna have to believe me on this, there is always someone out there who will bring that smile and butterflies back in your stomach again, its a big world out there mate, and no man is an Island. Plus my cousins are now officially both single again lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rmmackfc Posted July 23, 2007 Share Posted July 23, 2007 Think we're all of the same opinion. Same thing happened to me many moons ago and at the time it was unbearable, but now I'm happily married. It is different if it is a mutual split perhaps and the love has gone, but when one person still has feelings for the other then it is never going to work because you will always think perhaps you still have a chance of getting back together. Go your separate ways and keep your chin up sir Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dan Posted July 23, 2007 Author Share Posted July 23, 2007 PMSL, cheers Zedrush. Yeah, I'm checking my phone 2 or 3 times a minute hoping for a text from the minute I wake up to the last thing before I go to sleep. It's really eating me and I really do think I have to cut her off completely to get over her. I'm not sure about meeting anyone else just yet, I'll need some time before I'm ready to let anyone else get close. Thanks lads. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dan Posted July 23, 2007 Author Share Posted July 23, 2007 when one person still has feelings for the other then it is never going to work because you will always think perhaps you still have a chance of getting back together. Go your separate ways and keep your chin up sir Thats exactly how I feel, I still feel exactly the same as I always did. She says she will love me forever, but in a different way. I said I was quite happy with the old way, thank you very much She says she has to get her ex out of her system and give him a proper chance to see if there is anything still there between them. It's strange that she feels she has to sleep with him to find this out ! Anyway, thanks for all the advice, I think it's time to move on Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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