WhackyWill Posted January 13, 2015 Share Posted January 13, 2015 I've never really been a massive fan of porn. But I play along with it. :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ianphampton Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 I was telling a girl in the pub about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts. "Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try." After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience. "Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?" "Yesterday?" I replied. ~~~ The police rang me yesterday to say they'd recovered my stolen three piece suite. Which was nice of them. It was starting to look a bit tatty. ~~~ There are literally thousands of apps available, so how come all iPhone users have opted for that app that turns you into a self-obsessed dick? ~~~ Some guy knocked on my door today and said, "I have a parcel for your next door neighbour." I said, "You've got the wrong house then mate." ~~~ I've just seen an advert in my local newspaper. ACCOUNTANT NEEDED! £35,000 - £40,000 So I phoned them up and said, "The answer is -£5,000" ~~~ If the letters fall off your company logo, is it a bad sign? ~~~ My wife told me I can be a right bastard sometimes, so I chose Mondays and Wednesdays... ~~~ A radical Muslim group detonated a bomb in our local Primark last Saturday afternoon. Until they phoned up to claim responsibility, nobody noticed. ~~~ Who led the Jews through a semi-permeable membrane? Osmoses ~~~ I was in a queue at the ATM, and the old lady in front of me asked if I could help her check her balance. So I pushed her over. ~~~ Me and my wife have decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard ~~~ No wind or rain forecast for tomorrow. The Met Office have advised everyone to make unnecessary journeys. ~~~ What's the difference between red and green? F***-all, apparently, if you're a cyclist. ~~~ I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control, and I thought to myself. "Well this changes everything" ~~~ This girl on the bus was talking very loudly into the mobile glued to her ear. "Excuse me," I said. "The whole bus doesn't want to hear your conversation." "Chill out man," she replied. "I is jus' rappin' wiv me bro innit?" I felt really guilty. If I'd known she had learning difficulties I wouldn't have mentioned it. ~~~ My wife and I got into an argument because I accused her of being stupid. Eventually, she jumped up out of her seat, and yelled, "Give me one good reason why I shouldn't walk out that door!" I replied, "Because the plane hasn't landed yet..." ~~~ How do you make a dish washer into a snow blower? Give her a shovel ~~~ "Phew,at least you could open the window when you have a sh**" said my wife. "I would but all the other passengers on the bus would complain about the draft", I replied ~~~ Can't believe I got sacked on my very first day as a signwirter. ~~~ I'm brilliant at Jigsaws. I got one that said '2-3 Years' on the Box and did it in one night - how amazing is that?! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GMballistic Posted January 16, 2015 Author Share Posted January 16, 2015 ^^ Some funny ones Ian. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhackyWill Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 A man died and went to Heaven's Gate where St. Peter told him, “Before you meet with God, I should tell you... we’ve looked over your life, and to be honest you really didn’t do anything particularly good or bad. We’re not really sure what to do with you. Can you tell me anything you did that can help us make a decision?†The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, “Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a person who was being harassed by a group of thugs. So I pulled over, got out a bat, and went up to the leader of the thugs. He was a big, muscular guy with a ring pierced through his lip. Well, I tore the ring out of his lip, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering this guy or they would have to deal with me!†“Wow that’s impressive!" exclaimed St. Peter. “When did this happen?†“About three minutes ago.†3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harryjax Posted January 19, 2015 Share Posted January 19, 2015 ^^^ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GMballistic Posted January 19, 2015 Author Share Posted January 19, 2015 Good one Will. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhackyWill Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 After being married for thirty years a wife asked her husband to describe her. He looked at her for awhile, then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K." She asks... "What does that mean?" He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fancy, Gorgeous, Honey. She smiled happily and said... "Oh, that's so lovely... What about I, J, K?" He said, "I'm Just Kidding!" The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving the family jewels... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joeycuz Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 A man walks into Nissan to get a quote for a P3... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GMballistic Posted January 20, 2015 Author Share Posted January 20, 2015 A woman with no arms or legs is sitting on a beach. She's in fits of tears and a local dog walker notices her so he walks over... "Are you ok Miss?" "No I'm not, I'm upset because nobody has ever held me!" "I'll hold you" says the dog walker bending down and embracing her tightly. She then smiles and he walks off. Several minutes later though she begins to cry again uncontrollably. Another man walking his dog spots her so runs over to see if she's ok. "Are you alright?" he asks. "No I'm really upset because I was just thinking how nobody has ever kissed me" Thinking for a second the man replies, "well I'll kiss you if you like?!" And with that he bends down and gives her a big kiss on the lips. "Oh thank you" she said smiling and off walks the man & his dog. But just a few minutes later she's sobbing again. Luckily another man walking spots her and walks over. "Are you ok?" he asks her. "I'd never been held or kissed before today but these nice two men did both which made me happy for a second but now I'm thinking about how I've never been f**ked before which is making me really upset!" she said. "Well you're f**ked now!, ...the tides coming in & I've got to go" said the man. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Flex Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 (edited) A man walks into Nissan to get a quote for a P3... ....and got screwed? Twice? Edited January 20, 2015 by Flex Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rock_Steady Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 My wife thinks twice before turning me down for sex, I can tell you. Once in the morning and once in the evening. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhackyWill Posted January 20, 2015 Share Posted January 20, 2015 The wife said she doesn't care what she gets for her birthday as long as its got diamonds in it. I hope she likes playing cards.... 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhackyWill Posted January 25, 2015 Share Posted January 25, 2015 (edited) I got chatting to a girl in a club, "Can I buy you a drink?" I asked. "Have you got a girlfriend?" she replied, "Guys like you always have girlfriends." "No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago," I assured her. "Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "Go on then, I'll have a white wine please." A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle we headed off back to her place and made passionate love. While I was putting my clothes back on she said, "So, you're good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed, can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?" I said, "My wife found out." Edited January 25, 2015 by WhackyWill 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GMballistic Posted January 25, 2015 Author Share Posted January 25, 2015 ^^ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhackyWill Posted January 27, 2015 Share Posted January 27, 2015 One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. This goes on for a half an hour and the bartender gets worried. "What's the matter?" the bartender asks, "Is everything alright?" "My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy "and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days." After thinking it over in a reassurring tone, the bartender asked. "But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you?" "Yeah, except tonight is the last night." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ATTAK Z Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 One thing that you should never say in a gay bar ... "can I push your stool in ?" 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ioneabee Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 or even ..... "can I pull your stool out ?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ATTAK Z Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 One thing that you should never say in a gay bar ... "can I push your stool in ?" or even ..... "can I pull your stool out ?" 'cept what would you pull it out with ? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ioneabee Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 not even going there Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GMballistic Posted January 28, 2015 Author Share Posted January 28, 2015 There was a prison break earlier today in Cardiff and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down he sneered at me and I thought, "well that's a little condescending". 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhackyWill Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 (edited) I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?". A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything". A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw." Edited January 29, 2015 by WhackyWill Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhackyWill Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs. I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one". I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". She said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays". So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about cleaning your carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness". 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GMballistic Posted February 1, 2015 Author Share Posted February 1, 2015 Keep them coming Will. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OV53 Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 When spotting a lass who is fond of her dinners, "I wouldn't mind her knickers full of pound coins!" My mate was showing one of the lads a photo of a girl he had been on a couple of dates with, to which he responded, "bloody hell mate, she's bigger than the Beatles!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhackyWill Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 (edited) DEER MEAT A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue. Well, he said, ‘It’s what mummy calls me sometimes'. The little girl screams to her brother 'Don't eat it, it's an as*ho*e..!! Edited February 5, 2015 by WhackyWill 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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