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Just a few one liners...


GMballistic

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I was telling a girl in the pub about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.

"Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try."

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

"Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"

"Yesterday?" I replied.

~~~

The police rang me yesterday to say they'd recovered my stolen three piece suite.

Which was nice of them. It was starting to look a bit tatty.

~~~

 

There are literally thousands of apps available, so how come all iPhone users have opted for that app that turns you into a self-obsessed dick?

 

~~~

Some guy knocked on my door today and said, "I have a parcel for your next door neighbour."

I said, "You've got the wrong house then mate."

 

 

~~~

I've just seen an advert in my local newspaper.

 

ACCOUNTANT NEEDED!

£35,000 - £40,000

 

So I phoned them up and said, "The answer is -£5,000"

~~~

If the letters fall off your company logo, is it a bad sign?

~~~

My wife told me I can be a right bastard sometimes, so I chose Mondays and Wednesdays...

~~~

A radical Muslim group detonated a bomb in our local Primark last Saturday afternoon.

Until they phoned up to claim responsibility, nobody noticed.

~~~

Who led the Jews through a semi-permeable membrane?

Osmoses

~~~

I was in a queue at the ATM, and the old lady in front of me asked if I could help her check her balance. So I pushed her over.

~~~

Me and my wife have decided not to have kids.

The kids are taking it pretty hard

~~~

No wind or rain forecast for tomorrow.

The Met Office have advised everyone to make unnecessary journeys.

~~~

What's the difference between red and green?

F***-all, apparently, if you're a cyclist.

~~~

 

I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control, and I thought to myself. "Well this changes everything"

~~~

This girl on the bus was talking very loudly into the mobile glued to her ear.

"Excuse me," I said. "The whole bus doesn't want to hear your conversation."

"Chill out man," she replied. "I is jus' rappin' wiv me bro innit?"

I felt really guilty. If I'd known she had learning difficulties I wouldn't have mentioned it.

~~~

My wife and I got into an argument because I accused her of being stupid.

Eventually, she jumped up out of her seat, and yelled, "Give me one good reason why I shouldn't walk out that door!"

I replied, "Because the plane hasn't landed yet..."

~~~

 

How do you make a dish washer into a snow blower?

Give her a shovel

~~~

 

"Phew,at least you could open the window when you have a sh**" said my wife.

"I would but all the other passengers on the bus would complain about the draft", I replied

~~~

Can't believe I got sacked on my very first day as a signwirter.

~~~

 

I'm brilliant at Jigsaws. I got one that said '2-3 Years' on the Box and did it in one night - how amazing is that?!

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A man died and went to Heaven's Gate where St. Peter told him, “Before you meet with God, I should tell you... we’ve looked over your life, and to be honest you really didn’t do anything particularly good or bad. We’re not really sure what to do with you. Can you tell me anything you did that can help us make a decision?â€

The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, “Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a person who was being harassed by a group of thugs. So I pulled over, got out a bat, and went up to the leader of the thugs. He was a big, muscular guy with a ring pierced through his lip. Well, I tore the ring out of his lip, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering this guy or they would have to deal with me!â€

“Wow that’s impressive!" exclaimed St. Peter. “When did this happen?â€

“About three minutes ago.â€

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After being married for thirty years a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for awhile, then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks... "What does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fancy, Gorgeous, Honey.

She smiled happily and said... "Oh, that's so lovely... What about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving the family jewels...

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A woman with no arms or legs is sitting on a beach.

 

She's in fits of tears and a local dog walker notices her so he walks over...

 

"Are you ok Miss?"

 

"No I'm not, I'm upset because nobody has ever held me!"

 

"I'll hold you" says the dog walker bending down and embracing her tightly.

 

 

She then smiles and he walks off. Several minutes later though she begins to cry again uncontrollably.

 

 

Another man walking his dog spots her so runs over to see if she's ok.

 

"Are you alright?" he asks.

 

"No I'm really upset because I was just thinking how nobody has ever kissed me"

 

Thinking for a second the man replies, "well I'll kiss you if you like?!"

 

And with that he bends down and gives her a big kiss on the lips.

 

"Oh thank you" she said smiling and off walks the man & his dog.

 

 

 

But just a few minutes later she's sobbing again.

 

Luckily another man walking spots her and walks over.

 

"Are you ok?" he asks her.

 

"I'd never been held or kissed before today but these nice two men did both which made me happy for a second but now I'm thinking about how I've never been f**ked before which is making me really upset!" she said.

 

"Well you're f**ked now!, ...the tides coming in & I've got to go" said the man. :D

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I got chatting to a girl in a club, "Can I buy you a drink?" I asked.

"Have you got a girlfriend?" she replied, "Guys like you always have girlfriends."

"No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago," I assured her.

 

 

"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "Go on then, I'll have a white wine please."

A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle we headed off back to her place and made passionate love. While I was putting my clothes back on she said, "So, you're good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed, can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?"

 

I said, "My wife found out."

Edited by WhackyWill
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One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. This goes on for a half an hour and the bartender gets worried.

"What's the matter?" the bartender asks, "Is everything alright?"

"My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy "and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days." After thinking it over in a reassurring tone, the bartender asked. "But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you?"

"Yeah, except tonight is the last night."

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I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?".

 

A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything".

 

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces:

 

"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

Edited by WhackyWill
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I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to

arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

 

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".

 

I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?".

She said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

 

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk

about cleaning your carpets?". I thought

"That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

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When spotting a lass who is fond of her dinners, "I wouldn't mind her knickers full of pound coins!"

My mate was showing one of the lads a photo of a girl he had been on a couple of dates with, to which he responded, "bloody hell mate, she's bigger than the Beatles!"

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DEER MEAT

 

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

 

Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is,

 

but will give them a clue and let them guess.

 

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates,

 

so they begged their dad for the clue.

 

Well, he said, ‘It’s what mummy calls me sometimes'.

 

The little girl screams to her brother

 

'Don't eat it, it's an as*ho*e..!!

Edited by WhackyWill
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