GMballistic Posted September 10, 2014 Author Share Posted September 10, 2014 A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the p oot. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women's feet, and said in a rather stern voice, "Ginger!" The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit, Ginger!" Once again the woman smiled and thought, "Yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit, Ginger, get away from her before she sh1T's on you!" Now that was funny Will. PMSL. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LordSQra Posted September 10, 2014 Share Posted September 10, 2014 My gf is so determined to lose weight that she completed two weeks diet plan in just 3 hours lol 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhackyWill Posted September 11, 2014 Share Posted September 11, 2014 (edited) Husband takes the wife to a Club. There's a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing, moon walking, back flips, buying drinks for people, the works. Wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down." Husband says: Yep. ! "Looks like he's still celebrating !!!" :lol: Edited September 11, 2014 by WhackyWill 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhackyWill Posted September 12, 2014 Share Posted September 12, 2014 (edited) A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said.. “Jesus knows you’re here.†He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard: “Jesus is watching you.†Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. “Did you say that?†he hissed at the parrot. “Yep†the parrot confessed, then squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you that Jesus is watching you.†The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?†“Moses†replied the bird. “Moses?†the burglar laughed. “What kind of people would name a bird ‘Moses?’†"The same kind of people who would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus' " Edited September 12, 2014 by WhackyWill 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GMballistic Posted September 12, 2014 Author Share Posted September 12, 2014 ^^ Keep them coming Will ~ had some good ones lately mate. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhackyWill Posted September 13, 2014 Share Posted September 13, 2014 IT HAS BEEN ANNOUNCED THAT IN RESPECT OF IAN PAISLEYS DEATH, THERE WILL BE A MINUTES SHOUTING AT MIDDAY..!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhackyWill Posted September 15, 2014 Share Posted September 15, 2014 (edited) A Strange Coincidence0 An elderly couple was driving cross-country, and the woman was driving. She gets pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer says, “Ma’am, did you know you were speeding?†The woman turns to her husband and asks, “What did he say?†The old man yells, “HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING.†The patrolman says, “May I see your license?†The woman turns to her husband and asks, “What did he say?†The old man yells, “HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE.†The woman gives him her license. The patrolman says, “I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once, had the worst sex with a woman I have ever had.†The woman turns to her husband and asks, “What did he say?†“HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU,†the old man yells. Edited September 15, 2014 by WhackyWill 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rock_Steady Posted September 15, 2014 Share Posted September 15, 2014 Will, those jokes just made my wet Monday a sunny one, just fantastic. People in the office are wondering what the hell i'm reading. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rock_Steady Posted September 15, 2014 Share Posted September 15, 2014 A police man stops an old lady in her car. He strolls up to the car and knocks on the window. "hello madam, do you know how fast you were going?" the woman replies "oh yes!" the police man says " you know you were doing 20mph when you should be doing 60, is there a problem?" "oh no" the woman replies. policeman says " well, you really should pay more attention to the road signs madam" woman replies " but i have been, this is the B20, i was doing 20" Policeman laughs " the name of the road is not an indication of how f.... hey, why is everyone in the car so white with shock?" "eh?" squeals the old lady. policeman says " where have you just come from?" the old lady says " we've just come off the A120.... why?" 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhackyWill Posted September 15, 2014 Share Posted September 15, 2014 A blonde walks into a doctor's office and says, "Doc, I'm terribly I'll !" The doctor looks at her and asks, "Flu?" "No, I drove here." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richy Posted September 15, 2014 Share Posted September 15, 2014 Two blondes walk into a building. You would have thought one of them would have seen it. The late great Tommy Cooper. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhackyWill Posted September 15, 2014 Share Posted September 15, 2014 What do you call a dog with no hind legs and steel balls? Sparky... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhackyWill Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 (edited) The other day I phoned my local pizza delivery firm and asked for a thin crusty supreme. They sent me Diana Ross :lol: Edited September 19, 2014 by WhackyWill Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GMballistic Posted September 20, 2014 Author Share Posted September 20, 2014 The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!" A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?†The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.†The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.†The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?†“Jewellery, my dear. Jewellery.†2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rock_Steady Posted September 28, 2014 Share Posted September 28, 2014 what's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? one makes your whole day, the other makes your hole weak. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GMballistic Posted September 28, 2014 Author Share Posted September 28, 2014 ^^ "Ba dum tsshh". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rock_Steady Posted September 28, 2014 Share Posted September 28, 2014 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ATTAK Z Posted October 1, 2014 Share Posted October 1, 2014 Paddy shows the blonde Essex girl the L & R on his wellies and explains that it stands for left & right , she replies "Now I understand the C & A label on my knickers" . 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
glrnet Posted October 1, 2014 Share Posted October 1, 2014 The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!" A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?†The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.†The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.†The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?†“Jewellery, my dear. Jewellery.†that's a lot of one liners! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Keyser Posted October 1, 2014 Share Posted October 1, 2014 I was going to do a one liner about a broken pencil, but there's just no point! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ATTAK Z Posted October 1, 2014 Share Posted October 1, 2014 The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!" A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?†The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.†The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.†The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?†“Jewellery, my dear. Jewellery.†that's a lot of one liners! hard to swallow that last one Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GMballistic Posted October 1, 2014 Author Share Posted October 1, 2014 that's a lot of one liners! Think this thread went off on it's own tangent about 8 pages back. More just a general jokes thread now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katy Posted October 4, 2014 Share Posted October 4, 2014 One rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alleyway. Even before he rolled to a stop at the kerb, a figure leapt into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat. "Where to?" he stammered. "Euston Station" answered the woman. "Okay" he said, taking another long glance in the mirror. The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at?" "Well ma'am, I notice that you're completely naked and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare" The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does THIS answer your question?" Still looking in the mirror the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?" 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GMballistic Posted October 4, 2014 Author Share Posted October 4, 2014 ^^ Lol. Genuinely chuckled at that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhackyWill Posted October 5, 2014 Share Posted October 5, 2014 (edited) A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" "It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains. "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!" The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast." Edited October 5, 2014 by WhackyWill 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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