Just a few one liners...

[WhackyWill]

[tatooandy67]

^^^ Lmao very funny

Edited July 9, 2014 by tatooandy67

[WhackyWill]

Sad news at the Nestle factory today. A member of staff was seriously injured when a pallet of chocolate fell more than 50 feet and crushed him underneath. He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he shouted "the milky bars are on me" everyone just cheered!!!

[GMballistic]

^^ Lol. Liked that one Will.

[Flex]

[tatooandy67]

[WhackyWill]

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident.

He became very depressed because he loved to play golf.

One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide.. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw a man down on the sidewalk skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels.

He looked closer and saw that the man didn't have any arms at all. He started thinking, "What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself?

I still have one good arm to do things with."

He thought "There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life."

He hurried down to the side walk and caught up with the man with no arms.

He told him how glad he was to see him because he lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself.

He thanked the guy for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if the guy could go on with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again.

He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?"

He said, "I'm NOT happy. My b*lls are itchy."

Edited July 19, 2014 by WhackyWill

[Rock_Steady]

A Man’s point of view.

 

 

 

Dear Agony Uncle.

 

 

 

This morning when I was on my way to work the car broke down 200 yards from my house. It just stopped and wouldn't start. I could hear a clicking noise but just wouldn't turn over properly. So, I walked back to the house only to find my husband bonking the next-door neighbour's daughter. What should I do??

 

 

 

Yours faithfully

 

 

 

Debbie

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Debbie

 

 

 

First of all I’d check the starter motor, the solenoid may be stuck. Secondly you may need to make …..

Edited August 8, 2014 by Rock_Steady

[Rock_Steady]

A friend of mine has the world record for concussions, about 44. He doesn't live far from me, about a stones throw.

[WhackyWill]

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'...

 

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

 

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange

coincidence.

 

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."

 

The next day the grandmother died. "Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."

 

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

 

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.

 

He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

 

When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"

 

He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

 

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"

Edited August 9, 2014 by WhackyWill

[GMballistic]

What's the difference between your pay cheque and your c**k?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Guaranteed your Mrs will always blow your pay cheque.

[WhackyWill]

How does a woman scare a gynecologist?

 

 

By becoming a ventriloquist !

Edited August 9, 2014 by WhackyWill

[WhackyWill]

A priest from Ireland was assigned to a Texas diocese.

 

One morning, Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went l

ike this:

 

"Good morning, this is Sergeant Jones, how might I help you?"

 

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's . There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple O yer lads to take care of the matter?"

 

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"

 

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.

 

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, 'tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."

[WhackyWill]

ohn was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

 

"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"

 

Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.

 

"How do you know this, Sister?"

 

"M

y Mother Superior told me so."

 

"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"

 

"Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself"

 

"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"

 

"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"

 

"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know."

 

The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar.

 

"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"

 

"Oh no! It's not that Nun again is it?"

[WhackyWill]

I've decided to sell my hoover.

 

Well it was collecting dust..!!!!

[WhackyWill]

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon “Quickie†with their 8 -year old son in the flat,

 

was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the street activities.

 

Their 8-year old began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation;

 

‘There’s a car being towed from the car park,’ he shouted.

‘An ambulance just drove past’

‘Looks like the Anderson’s have visitors,’ he called out.

‘Matt’s riding a new bike!’

‘Looks like the Sanders are moving!’

‘Jason is on his skateboard!

 

After a few moments he announced,

 

‘The Coopers are having a s4ag!

 

Startled , his mum and dad shot up in bed!

 

Dad cautiously called out, ‘How do you know that?’

 

‘Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar.’

[WhackyWill]

[GMballistic]

[ATTAK Z]

 

 

Not whilst I'm eating please

[WhackyWill]

[GMballistic]

Changed my Ipods name to Titanic.

 

 

 

It's syncing now.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[WhackyWill]

Once upon a time, a guy was sitting at a bar. He was throwing money around, giving the barman £50 tips and buying drinks for everyone. He was surrounded by a crowd of adoring women.

The barman liked the tips, but he was kind of curious about a little man that would jump from the rich guy's pocket. The little man would run up and down the bar, kicking over the bowls of peanuts and giving people the finger. Then the little guy would jump back into the man's jacket for a while.

The barman went over and asked the guy what was up.

So the rich guy says, "Well, let me tell you a little story. I was walking along a beach one day, and I come across this lamp. I rub it, and a genie pops out. I got three wishes, so my first wish was to be fabulously wealthy. Then I wished for a harem. You can see I got both."

The barman asks, "So what about your third wish?"

"Oh, that," mumbles the rich guy, pointing to the little man. "That's the twelve-inch pr**k I wished for."

[GMballistic]

^^ Oldie but still a good one Will.

[Rock_Steady]

Les Dawson: "My wife sent her picture to the lonely heart's club, they sent it back saying they weren't that lonely"

[WhackyWill]

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the p

oot. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women's feet, and said in a rather stern voice, "Ginger!" The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit, Ginger!" Once again the woman smiled and thought, "Yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled,

"Dammit, Ginger, get away from her before she sh1T's

on you!"