Jump to content

Just a few one liners...


GMballistic

Recommended Posts

They've had to cancel the panto 'Jack & the Beanstalk' in Birmingham , Bristol , Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester , Luton and London .

......apparently the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

They've had to cancel the panto 'Jack & the Beanstalk' in Birmingham , Bristol , Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester , Luton and London .

......apparently the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.

 

e44.gif

Edited by -Bradders-
  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Some days are better than others.

 

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a great huge, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and

 

gulps it down in one swig.

 

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

 

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."

 

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking

 

lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another

 

man and then my dog bit me."

 

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison

 

dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"

Edited by WhackyWill
  • Like 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

The patient gradually regained consciousness

 

Stiff as a board and in pain in the hospital's ICU, with tubes up his nose & down his throat, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him. It was obvious he'd been in a serious accident.

 

She gave him a deep and steady heartfelt look straight in the eyes, and he heard her slowly say,

 

'You may not feel anything from the waist down'

 

He somehow managed to mumble in reply, 'Can I feel your tits, then?'

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Her Majesty’s Government

 

Our Ref: 3692/f

 

Date: 19/06/2014

 

Subject: Changes

 

 

To whom it may concern,

 

 

Due to changes in the environment, and the way we look after our health these days (i.e. what we eat and how much exercise we take). The life expectancy of the average human has changed, and with these changes we have also noticed growth changes to the average person.

 

 

So to keep abreast of these changes we are doing a survey on penis sizes, we understand it would take up far too much time opening letters sent to us in response to this letter. So we are currently asking men who have a penis 3 inches or smaller to fly a white flag with a red cross on it from their car windows, and this will give us some idea on how many people are affected by the changes.

 

Thanks for your cooperation,

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Her Majesty’s Government

 

Our Ref:3692/f

 

Date: 19/06/2014

 

Subject:Changes

 

 

To whom it may concern,

 

 

 

Due to changes in the environment, and the way we look after our health these days (i.e. what we eat and how much exercise we take). The life expectancy of the average human has changed, and with these changes we have also noticed growth changes to the average person.

 

 

So to keep abreast of these changes we are doing a survey on penis sizes, we understand it would take up far too much time opening letters sent to us in response to this letter. So we are currently asking men who have a penis 3 inches or smaller to fly a white flag with a red cross on it from their car windows, and this will give us some idea on how many people are affected by the changes.

 

Thanks for your cooperation,

 

 

Best plaster my car with them then lmao

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her

Husband standing around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?"

She asked.

"Hunting Flies"

He responded.

"Oh. ! Killing any?"

She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked.

"How can you tell them apart?"

He responded,

"3 were on a beer can,

2 were on the phone. :thumbs:

Edited by WhackyWill
Link to comment
Share on other sites

A Priest was being honoured with a retirement dinner after 25 years in

the parish. A leading local politician, who was also a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words

while they waited:"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I learned that you people were not all like that, and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."

 

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of

apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk: "I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived," said the politician.

"In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession..!!! :thumbs:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy's forthcoming wedding.

"Och, it's all goin' pure brilliant," says Jimmy. "Ai've got everythin' organised awready, the fluers, the church, the caars, the reception, the wee rings, the min'ster, even ma stag nite"..

Archie nods approvingly."I've even bought a kilt to be married in!"

continues Jimmy.

"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's magic, you'll look pure smart in that. What's the tartan?...."

"Och," says Jimmy, "Ai'd imagine she'll be in white.â€

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden's

funeral, a voice from inside screams, "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"

The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters,

"Too late pal, I've already done the paperwork" :yahoo:

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

^^ :lol:

 

A man goes for a job as a Traffic Warden, he passes the written test 100% so he takes the medical....

The doctor asks him if he has any medical problems?.

"Well only one" he says, "I only have half a rectum".

The doctor says "In that case I will have to fail you, to do the Traffic Warden job, you have to be a complete ar*ehole"

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

A blonde with an old VW Beetle pulls over on the side of the road as her car stalls. She doesn't know much about cars but decides to pop the bonnet to see what the problem is. Another blonde pulls up behind her, also in a Beetle. The second blonde asks what the problem is and the first blonde says "Someone stole my engine!" The second blonde goes back to her car and says "I just checked my boot, I've got a spare you can use..."

  • Like 7
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...