Rock_Steady Posted June 17, 2014 Share Posted June 17, 2014 (edited) lol ^^ Edited June 17, 2014 by Rock_Steady Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
350zedd Posted June 17, 2014 Share Posted June 17, 2014 They've had to cancel the panto 'Jack & the Beanstalk' in Birmingham , Bristol , Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester , Luton and London . ......apparently the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
-Bradders- Posted June 17, 2014 Share Posted June 17, 2014 (edited) They've had to cancel the panto 'Jack & the Beanstalk' in Birmingham , Bristol , Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester , Luton and London . ......apparently the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen. Edited June 17, 2014 by -Bradders- 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Suits Posted June 17, 2014 Share Posted June 17, 2014 "Dude, she looks well fit in the greyhound skirt !" "WUT?" "....you know, greyhound skirt; two inches from the hair." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhackyWill Posted June 18, 2014 Share Posted June 18, 2014 (edited) Some days are better than others. There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a great huge, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig. "Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying." "This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me." "So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?" Edited June 18, 2014 by WhackyWill 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
G-girl. Posted June 18, 2014 Share Posted June 18, 2014 (edited) Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like banana... Edited June 18, 2014 by G-girl. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GMballistic Posted June 18, 2014 Author Share Posted June 18, 2014 ^^ Liked those two Will and G-girl. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Baidan Posted June 19, 2014 Share Posted June 19, 2014 The patient gradually regained consciousness Stiff as a board and in pain in the hospital's ICU, with tubes up his nose & down his throat, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him. It was obvious he'd been in a serious accident. She gave him a deep and steady heartfelt look straight in the eyes, and he heard her slowly say, 'You may not feel anything from the waist down' He somehow managed to mumble in reply, 'Can I feel your tits, then?' 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Baidan Posted June 19, 2014 Share Posted June 19, 2014 Her Majesty’s Government Our Ref: 3692/f Date: 19/06/2014 Subject: Changes To whom it may concern, Due to changes in the environment, and the way we look after our health these days (i.e. what we eat and how much exercise we take). The life expectancy of the average human has changed, and with these changes we have also noticed growth changes to the average person. So to keep abreast of these changes we are doing a survey on penis sizes, we understand it would take up far too much time opening letters sent to us in response to this letter. So we are currently asking men who have a penis 3 inches or smaller to fly a white flag with a red cross on it from their car windows, and this will give us some idea on how many people are affected by the changes. Thanks for your cooperation, 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
-Bradders- Posted June 19, 2014 Share Posted June 19, 2014 Her Majesty’s Government Our Ref:3692/f Date: 19/06/2014 Subject:Changes To whom it may concern, Due to changes in the environment, and the way we look after our health these days (i.e. what we eat and how much exercise we take). The life expectancy of the average human has changed, and with these changes we have also noticed growth changes to the average person. So to keep abreast of these changes we are doing a survey on penis sizes, we understand it would take up far too much time opening letters sent to us in response to this letter. So we are currently asking men who have a penis 3 inches or smaller to fly a white flag with a red cross on it from their car windows, and this will give us some idea on how many people are affected by the changes. Thanks for your cooperation, Best plaster my car with them then lmao Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhackyWill Posted June 20, 2014 Share Posted June 20, 2014 What's the difference between England and a teabag? The tea bag stays longer in the cup :lol: 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhackyWill Posted June 25, 2014 Share Posted June 25, 2014 (edited) A woman walked into the kitchen to find her Husband standing around with a fly swatter "What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting Flies" He responded. "Oh. ! Killing any?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?" He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone. Edited June 25, 2014 by WhackyWill Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhackyWill Posted June 25, 2014 Share Posted June 25, 2014 A Priest was being honoured with a retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician, who was also a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I learned that you people were not all like that, and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people." Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk: "I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession..!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GMballistic Posted June 25, 2014 Author Share Posted June 25, 2014 I can see exactly 6 years into the future. I have 2020 vision. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ioneabee Posted June 25, 2014 Share Posted June 25, 2014 I can see exactly 6 years into the future. I have 2020 vision. cheat.....all over facepalm at the moment Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GMballistic Posted June 25, 2014 Author Share Posted June 25, 2014 I can see exactly 6 years into the future. I have 2020 vision. cheat.....all over facepalm at the moment But I don't even have a Facedouche account. Read it on a "jokes site" page earlier. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ekona Posted June 25, 2014 Share Posted June 25, 2014 What's the difference between a chickpea and lentil? No-one ever paid £50 to have a lentil on their face. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LordSQra Posted June 27, 2014 Share Posted June 27, 2014 Saurez wants to play Germany next cos he fancies a shoulder of lahm Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ATTAK Z Posted June 29, 2014 Share Posted June 29, 2014 "Air in the hands, motherstickers, this is a f**k up" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AndyZ33HR Posted June 29, 2014 Share Posted June 29, 2014 (edited) What's the best thing about a gypsy on her period? When you finger her you get your palm red for free Edited June 30, 2014 by AndyZ33HR 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhackyWill Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy's forthcoming wedding. "Och, it's all goin' pure brilliant," says Jimmy. "Ai've got everythin' organised awready, the fluers, the church, the caars, the reception, the wee rings, the min'ster, even ma stag nite".. Archie nods approvingly."I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jimmy. "A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's magic, you'll look pure smart in that. What's the tartan?...." "Och," says Jimmy, "Ai'd imagine she'll be in white.†1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhackyWill Posted July 5, 2014 Share Posted July 5, 2014 As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden's funeral, a voice from inside screams, "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!" The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters, "Too late pal, I've already done the paperwork" 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GMballistic Posted July 5, 2014 Author Share Posted July 5, 2014 ^^ A man goes for a job as a Traffic Warden, he passes the written test 100% so he takes the medical.... The doctor asks him if he has any medical problems?. "Well only one" he says, "I only have half a rectum". The doctor says "In that case I will have to fail you, to do the Traffic Warden job, you have to be a complete ar*ehole" 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katy Posted July 5, 2014 Share Posted July 5, 2014 A blonde with an old VW Beetle pulls over on the side of the road as her car stalls. She doesn't know much about cars but decides to pop the bonnet to see what the problem is. Another blonde pulls up behind her, also in a Beetle. The second blonde asks what the problem is and the first blonde says "Someone stole my engine!" The second blonde goes back to her car and says "I just checked my boot, I've got a spare you can use..." 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GMballistic Posted July 6, 2014 Author Share Posted July 6, 2014 ^^ Lol. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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