WhackyWill Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 (edited) A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cosy little restaurant.. So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there.'.... And indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and '7' inches in your pants'. After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return.. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady. It read: 'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana .. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches.......... Just send the wine back.' Edited February 11, 2015 by WhackyWill 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Flex Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 I like that one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
glrnet Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 As a kid I was made to walk the plank, we couldn't afford a dog. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ioneabee Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 ^ I don't like that one Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HEADPHONES Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 Love the dear joke:lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhackyWill Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 Love the dear joke:lol: Well you could have given me a "like" then... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LordSQra Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 Q: What's the difference between driving in the fog and eating pussy? A: At least when you are eating pussy you can see the asshole in front of you Q: What's the difference between hockey player and hippie girl? A: Hockey player will take shower after 3 periods. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
glrnet Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 ^ I don't like that one Might have been worse, running the bath instead Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HEADPHONES Posted February 12, 2015 Share Posted February 12, 2015 (edited) Love the dear joke:lol: Well you could have given me a "like" then... I thought as it was nearly Valentine's day a public show of affection was more fitting :b Edited February 12, 2015 by HEADPHONES 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
-Bradders- Posted February 12, 2015 Share Posted February 12, 2015 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
glrnet Posted February 12, 2015 Share Posted February 12, 2015 Priceless ^ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhackyWill Posted February 14, 2015 Share Posted February 14, 2015 A man boarded a plane in Spain with a box of frozen crabs and handed them to a blonde flight attendant and then asked her to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's freezer. He pointedly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, stated that he was a solicitor, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Shortly before landing in Heathrow she got on the intercom and announced to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in Spain, please raise your hand?" Not one hand went up... so she took them home and ate them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhackyWill Posted February 14, 2015 Share Posted February 14, 2015 (edited) Two ladies talking in heaven: 1st woman : Hi! My name is Wanda. 2nd woman : Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die? 1st woman : I Froze to Death. 2nd woman : How Horrible! 1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? 2nd woman : I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. 1st woman: So, what happened? 2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died. 1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive. Edited February 14, 2015 by WhackyWill 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GMballistic Posted February 14, 2015 Author Share Posted February 14, 2015 ^^ Liked that one Will. At least somethings made me smile today. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spursmaddave Posted February 14, 2015 Share Posted February 14, 2015 yes she was a prostitute, but she still had one of the nicest faces I ever came across... 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhackyWill Posted February 15, 2015 Share Posted February 15, 2015 (edited) A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden. The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there. "Do you really talk?" he asks the dog. "Yes," the Labrador replies. After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story."The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS. "In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. "I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired." The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog. "Ten quid," the owner says. "£10!!? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?" "Because he's a lying ba*tard. He's never been out of the garden." Edited February 15, 2015 by WhackyWill Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhackyWill Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 (edited) A group of hairy bikers were riding across a bridge when they spotted a girl about to throw herself over the edge, so they stopped. George, their leader, a big burly guy, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the cop trying to talk her down off the railing, and says "Hey Babe.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?" She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!" While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ........ "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?" So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one. After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big applause and thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the cop, and then says - "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl." It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed... Edited February 16, 2015 by WhackyWill 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhackyWill Posted February 16, 2015 Share Posted February 16, 2015 (edited) Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the Night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll Not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy'.. Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll Be on my way then'. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off.. He Falls flat on his face. 'Shoite' he says and pulls himself up by the Stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls Flat on his face, 'Shoite, Shoite !' He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to The door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door And shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes A deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto The sidewalk and falls flat on his face. 'Bi'Jesus... I'm fok**in' fo**ed,' he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, Hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.. He Takes a look up the stairs and says 'No f... Way. He crawls up the Stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'. He takes A step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says 'f... It and falls into bed. The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of Coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last Night ?' Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was f...in' pi**ed. But how did you know?' Mick Phoned....You left your wheelchair in the pub..!!!! . Edited February 16, 2015 by WhackyWill Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhackyWill Posted February 18, 2015 Share Posted February 18, 2015 (edited) An old guy in his Volvo is driving home from work when his wife rings him on his cell phone. "Honey", she says in a worried voice, "be careful. There was a bit on the news just now, some lunatic is driving the wrong way down the motorway". "It's worse than that", he replies... "there are hundreds of them!" :scare: Edited February 18, 2015 by WhackyWill Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GMballistic Posted February 19, 2015 Author Share Posted February 19, 2015 What did the banana say to the vibrator? Why are you shaking?! ...She's going to me afterwards!! Poor effort I know. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhackyWill Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 (edited) What did the banana say to the vibrator Why are you shaking?! ...She's going to me afterwards!! Poor effort I know. You been puffing Gareth..!!! :scare: Edited February 19, 2015 by WhackyWill Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GMballistic Posted February 19, 2015 Author Share Posted February 19, 2015 What did the banana say to the vibrator Why are you shaking?! ...She's going to me afterwards!! Poor effort I know. You been puffing Gareth..!!! :scare: Only my E-cig Will, ...only the E-cig. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhackyWill Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it. My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy..so I got drunk. Whoever said technology would replace all paper obviously hasn't tried wiping their ass with an IPad. Whoever said nothing is impossible is a liar. I've been doing nothing for years. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GMballistic Posted February 19, 2015 Author Share Posted February 19, 2015 ^^ That's more like it Will. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WhackyWill Posted February 19, 2015 Share Posted February 19, 2015 ^^ That's more like it Will. Just helping you out Gareth... 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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