A few for the Irish

[ioneabee]

Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him "Do you want the

winner of the next race ?"

Paddy replies "No tanks, I've only got a small garden."

 

 

A coach load of paddys on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to

guess where they were going.

The driver won £52 !

 

 

Paddy's racing snail is not winning races anymore. So he decided to

take it's shell off to reduce it's weight and make him more aerodynamic.

It didn't work, if anything it made him more sluggish.

 

 

Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it.

He phones the police and says "Bejesas I've just found a sandwich dat

looks like a bomb."

The operator asks, "is it tickin ?"

Paddy says "No I tink it's beef"

 

 

The Irish have solved their own fuel problems.

They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're

going to drill for their own oil.

 

 

Paddy says to Mick "Christmas is on a Friday this year"

Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

 

 

Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the

shampoo ?"

Paddy says "Yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."

 

 

Paddy and Mick found three hand grenades and decided to take them to

the police station.

Mick says "What if one explodes before we get there ?"

Paddy replies "We'll lie and say we only found two !"

 

 

Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.

"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.

Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me."

Paddy says "I haven't taken it out of the ----------- bowl yet

 

 

Paddy spies a letter lying on the doormat.

It says on the envelope 'DO NOT BEND '.

Paddy spends the next two hours trying to figure out how to pick the

letter up.

 

 

Paddy's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.

His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper".

He does but two weeks later the dog is still missing.

"What did you put in the paper" his wife asks..

"Here Boy" he replies.

 

 

Paddy's in jail. The Guard looks in and sees him hanging by his feet.

"What the hell are you doing" he asks.

"Hanging myself" Paddy replies.

"It should be round your neck" says the Guard.

"I know" says Paddy "But I couldn't breathe......

 

 

An American tourist asks Paddy "Why do scuba divers always fall

backwards off their boat ?".

Paddy replies 'If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat.....