Cragus Posted July 20, 2012 Share Posted July 20, 2012 34) I skip to the front of queues 1) I coat my cornflakes every morning with lead filings and 99Ron fuel. 2) I cut the grass by pouring petrol over it and setting fire! 3) I chew on wild rabbits as a snack. 4) I blow my tyres up with my mouth. 5) I shave with a bowie knife. 6) I changed my oil and used my teeth to get the sup plug off! 7) I too changed my oil and drank the waste! 8) I eat my dinner with a pitch fork and machete. 9) My cat has been trained to be the local drug dealer 10) I drive a pick up truck. The manliest vehicle in the known universe 11) I am ians cats best customer 12) When servicing my car I don't use ramps, I hold my car up with my knees 13) I wear barbed wire instead of socks 14) I brush my teeth with a wire brush 15) I drink sand 16) I can do 0-60 in 2.5 seconds. That's twice as fast as my car. 17) I used hair straighteners to smash my teeth out when I got bored cleaning them. 18) when I cook tea I often cut my own finger off as a snack. 19) I ate Ian's cat because it gives short measures 20) I use sandpaper condoms. 21) I do my own electrical work - stripping wires with my teeth - and leave the supply on whilst doing it. 22) When I do push-ups my body stays still and the earth moves up and down 23) I pop into fine haberdasheries and say "Your hats are less than exceptional." 24) I got into a knife fight. The knife lost 25) I'm a lumber jack and I'm ok, I cut down trees and I wear high heels, suspenders and a bra - I wish I'd been a girlie, just like my dear papa...............is this the right thread ? 26) I aspire to turbo/supercharge everything I own, this includes the microwave 27) Even as a kid I could anhialate everyone at a game of conkers......USING MY LEFT NUT 28) When the Olympics found out G4S couldnt provide the security required they asked me if i could do it, but i was too busy drinking beer and nailing strippers. 29) Not only do I pee standing up, I'm doing a handstand, not standing on my feet 30) I don't wash the dishes they wet themselves in fear 31) The exotic dancers at my local Gentleman's club know me by name. 32) when I need to stop a wee midstream I smash him with a hammer to stem the flow 33) I make onions cry 35) my seaman can swim the channel . . . and back ! 36) I once said 'NO' to my wife!!!! 37) When I went to Iraq in 2003, Saddam Whitshisface was so scared he hid in a hole in a farmers backyard, I then went on to drink strippers and nail drink!! 38) When doing DIY I don't need a hammer, I smash the nails in with my face. 39) Cheryl cole says my name.... baby! 40) I can pebble dash a house just with the use of 20 bottles of scrumpy and a large bag of nuts. 41) I am so manly I don't cry when Ash plucks my eyebrows ....and I love boobs so much I am growing my own set so I can feel them whenever I like. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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