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50 shades of man


ironhide

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1) I cost my cornflakes every morning with lead filings and 99Ron fuel.

2) I cut the grass by pouring petrol over it and setting fire!

3) I chew on wild rabbits as a snack.

4) I blow my tyres up with my mouth.

5) I shave with a bowie knife.

6) I changed my oil and used my teeth to get the sup plug off!

7) I too changed my oil and drank the waste!

8) I eat my dinner with a pitch fork and machete.

9) My cat has been trained to be the local drug dealer

10) I drive a pick up truck. The manliest vehicle in the known universe

11) I am ians cats best customer

12) When servicing my car I don't use ramps, I hold my car up with my knees

13) I wear barbed wire instead of socks

14) I brush my teeth with a wire brush

15) I drink sand

16) I can do 0-60 in 2.5 seconds. That's twice as fast as my car.

17) I used hair straighteners to smash my teeth out when I got bored cleaning them.

18) when I cook tea I often cut my own finger off as a snack.

19) I ate Ian's cat because it gives short measures

20) I use sandpaper condoms.

21) I do my own electrical work - stripping wires with my teeth - and leave the supply on whilst doing it.

22) When I do push-ups my body stays still and the earth moves up and down

23) I pop into fine haberdasheries and say "Your hats are less than exceptional."

24) I got into a knife fight. The knife lost

25) I'm a lumber jack and I'm ok, I cut down trees and I wear high heels, suspenders and a bra - I wish I'd been a girlie, just like my dear papa...............is this the right thread ?

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1) I cost my cornflakes every morning with lead filings and 99Ron fuel.

2) I cut the grass by pouring petrol over it and setting fire!

3) I chew on wild rabbits as a snack.

4) I blow my tyres up with my mouth.

5) I shave with a bowie knife.

6) I changed my oil and used my teeth to get the sup plug off!

7) I too changed my oil and drank the waste!

8) I eat my dinner with a pitch fork and machete.

9) My cat has been trained to be the local drug dealer

10) I drive a pick up truck. The manliest vehicle in the known universe

11) I am ians cats best customer

12) When servicing my car I don't use ramps, I hold my car up with my knees

13) I wear barbed wire instead of socks

14) I brush my teeth with a wire brush

15) I drink sand

16) I can do 0-60 in 2.5 seconds. That's twice as fast as my car.

17) I used hair straighteners to smash my teeth out when I got bored cleaning them.

18) when I cook tea I often cut my own finger off as a snack.

19) I ate Ian's cat because it gives short measures

20) I use sandpaper condoms.

21) I do my own electrical work - stripping wires with my teeth - and leave the supply on whilst doing it.

22) When I do push-ups my body stays still and the earth moves up and down

23) I pop into fine haberdasheries and say "Your hats are less than exceptional."

24) I got into a knife fight. The knife lost

25) I'm a lumber jack and I'm ok, I cut down trees and I wear high heels, suspenders and a bra - I wish I'd been a girlie, just like my dear papa...............is this the right thread ?

26) I aspire to turbo/supercharge everything I own, this includes the microwave

27) Even as a kid I could anhialate everyone at a game of conkers......USING MY LEFT NUT

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1) I cost my cornflakes every morning with lead filings and 99Ron fuel.

2) I cut the grass by pouring petrol over it and setting fire!

3) I chew on wild rabbits as a snack.

4) I blow my tyres up with my mouth.

5) I shave with a bowie knife.

6) I changed my oil and used my teeth to get the sup plug off!

7) I too changed my oil and drank the waste!

8) I eat my dinner with a pitch fork and machete.

9) My cat has been trained to be the local drug dealer

10) I drive a pick up truck. The manliest vehicle in the known universe

11) I am ians cats best customer

12) When servicing my car I don't use ramps, I hold my car up with my knees

13) I wear barbed wire instead of socks

14) I brush my teeth with a wire brush

15) I drink sand

16) I can do 0-60 in 2.5 seconds. That's twice as fast as my car.

17) I used hair straighteners to smash my teeth out when I got bored cleaning them.

18) when I cook tea I often cut my own finger off as a snack.

19) I ate Ian's cat because it gives short measures

20) I use sandpaper condoms.

21) I do my own electrical work - stripping wires with my teeth - and leave the supply on whilst doing it.

22) When I do push-ups my body stays still and the earth moves up and down

23) I pop into fine haberdasheries and say "Your hats are less than exceptional."

24) I got into a knife fight. The knife lost

25) I'm a lumber jack and I'm ok, I cut down trees and I wear high heels, suspenders and a bra - I wish I'd been a girlie, just like my dear papa...............is this the right thread ?

26) I aspire to turbo/supercharge everything I own, this includes the microwave

27) Even as a kid I could anhialate everyone at a game of conkers......USING MY LEFT NUT

28) When the Olympics found out G4S couldnt provide the security required they asked me if i could do it, but i was too busy drinking beer and nailing strippers.

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Great thread guys! I've just had to explain why I was giggling and then I was instructed to read out loud and share the joke with the rest of the class :lol: I wish I could add something of my own to the list but, for once I agree that you've finally got the level of sexism just right so I'll keep my trap shut :teeth::lol:

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1) I cost my cornflakes every morning with lead filings and 99Ron fuel.

2) I cut the grass by pouring petrol over it and setting fire!

3) I chew on wild rabbits as a snack.

4) I blow my tyres up with my mouth.

5) I shave with a bowie knife.

6) I changed my oil and used my teeth to get the sup plug off!

7) I too changed my oil and drank the waste!

8) I eat my dinner with a pitch fork and machete.

9) My cat has been trained to be the local drug dealer

10) I drive a pick up truck. The manliest vehicle in the known universe

11) I am ians cats best customer

12) When servicing my car I don't use ramps, I hold my car up with my knees

13) I wear barbed wire instead of socks

14) I brush my teeth with a wire brush

15) I drink sand

16) I can do 0-60 in 2.5 seconds. That's twice as fast as my car.

17) I used hair straighteners to smash my teeth out when I got bored cleaning them.

18) when I cook tea I often cut my own finger off as a snack.

19) I ate Ian's cat because it gives short measures

20) I use sandpaper condoms.

21) I do my own electrical work - stripping wires with my teeth - and leave the supply on whilst doing it.

22) When I do push-ups my body stays still and the earth moves up and down

23) I pop into fine haberdasheries and say "Your hats are less than exceptional."

24) I got into a knife fight. The knife lost

25) I'm a lumber jack and I'm ok, I cut down trees and I wear high heels, suspenders and a bra - I wish I'd been a girlie, just like my dear papa...............is this the right thread ?

26) I aspire to turbo/supercharge everything I own, this includes the microwave

27) Even as a kid I could anhialate everyone at a game of conkers......USING MY LEFT NUT

28) When the Olympics found out G4S couldnt provide the security required they asked me if i could do it, but i was too busy drinking beer and nailing strippers.

29) Not only do I pee standing up, I'm doing a handstand, not standing on my feet

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1) I cost my cornflakes every morning with lead filings and 99Ron fuel.

2) I cut the grass by pouring petrol over it and setting fire!

3) I chew on wild rabbits as a snack.

4) I blow my tyres up with my mouth.

5) I shave with a bowie knife.

6) I changed my oil and used my teeth to get the sup plug off!

7) I too changed my oil and drank the waste!

8) I eat my dinner with a pitch fork and machete.

9) My cat has been trained to be the local drug dealer

10) I drive a pick up truck. The manliest vehicle in the known universe

11) I am ians cats best customer

12) When servicing my car I don't use ramps, I hold my car up with my knees

13) I wear barbed wire instead of socks

14) I brush my teeth with a wire brush

15) I drink sand

16) I can do 0-60 in 2.5 seconds. That's twice as fast as my car.

17) I used hair straighteners to smash my teeth out when I got bored cleaning them.

18) when I cook tea I often cut my own finger off as a snack.

19) I ate Ian's cat because it gives short measures

20) I use sandpaper condoms.

21) I do my own electrical work - stripping wires with my teeth - and leave the supply on whilst doing it.

22) When I do push-ups my body stays still and the earth moves up and down

23) I pop into fine haberdasheries and say "Your hats are less than exceptional."

24) I got into a knife fight. The knife lost

25) I'm a lumber jack and I'm ok, I cut down trees and I wear high heels, suspenders and a bra - I wish I'd been a girlie, just like my dear papa...............is this the right thread ?

26) I aspire to turbo/supercharge everything I own, this includes the microwave

27) Even as a kid I could anhialate everyone at a game of conkers......USING MY LEFT NUT

28) When the Olympics found out G4S couldnt provide the security required they asked me if i could do it, but i was too busy drinking beer and nailing strippers.

29) Not only do I pee standing up, I'm doing a handstand, not standing on my feet

 

30) I don't wash the dishes they wet themselves in fear

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1) I cost my cornflakes every morning with lead filings and 99Ron fuel.

2) I cut the grass by pouring petrol over it and setting fire!

3) I chew on wild rabbits as a snack.

4) I blow my tyres up with my mouth.

5) I shave with a bowie knife.

6) I changed my oil and used my teeth to get the sup plug off!

7) I too changed my oil and drank the waste!

8) I eat my dinner with a pitch fork and machete.

9) My cat has been trained to be the local drug dealer

10) I drive a pick up truck. The manliest vehicle in the known universe

11) I am ians cats best customer

12) When servicing my car I don't use ramps, I hold my car up with my knees

13) I wear barbed wire instead of socks

14) I brush my teeth with a wire brush

15) I drink sand

16) I can do 0-60 in 2.5 seconds. That's twice as fast as my car.

17) I used hair straighteners to smash my teeth out when I got bored cleaning them.

18) when I cook tea I often cut my own finger off as a snack.

19) I ate Ian's cat because it gives short measures

20) I use sandpaper condoms.

21) I do my own electrical work - stripping wires with my teeth - and leave the supply on whilst doing it.

22) When I do push-ups my body stays still and the earth moves up and down

23) I pop into fine haberdasheries and say "Your hats are less than exceptional."

24) I got into a knife fight. The knife lost

25) I'm a lumber jack and I'm ok, I cut down trees and I wear high heels, suspenders and a bra - I wish I'd been a girlie, just like my dear papa...............is this the right thread ?

26) I aspire to turbo/supercharge everything I own, this includes the microwave

27) Even as a kid I could anhialate everyone at a game of conkers......USING MY LEFT NUT

28) When the Olympics found out G4S couldnt provide the security required they asked me if i could do it, but i was too busy drinking beer and nailing strippers.

29) Not only do I pee standing up, I'm doing a handstand, not standing on my feet

30) I don't wash the dishes they wet themselves in fear

31) The exotic dancers at my local Gentleman's club know me by name.

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Share on other sites

1) I cost my cornflakes every morning with lead filings and 99Ron fuel.

2) I cut the grass by pouring petrol over it and setting fire!

3) I chew on wild rabbits as a snack.

4) I blow my tyres up with my mouth.

5) I shave with a bowie knife.

6) I changed my oil and used my teeth to get the sup plug off!

7) I too changed my oil and drank the waste!

8) I eat my dinner with a pitch fork and machete.

9) My cat has been trained to be the local drug dealer

10) I drive a pick up truck. The manliest vehicle in the known universe

11) I am ians cats best customer

12) When servicing my car I don't use ramps, I hold my car up with my knees

13) I wear barbed wire instead of socks

14) I brush my teeth with a wire brush

15) I drink sand

16) I can do 0-60 in 2.5 seconds. That's twice as fast as my car.

17) I used hair straighteners to smash my teeth out when I got bored cleaning them.

18) when I cook tea I often cut my own finger off as a snack.

19) I ate Ian's cat because it gives short measures

20) I use sandpaper condoms.

21) I do my own electrical work - stripping wires with my teeth - and leave the supply on whilst doing it.

22) When I do push-ups my body stays still and the earth moves up and down

23) I pop into fine haberdasheries and say "Your hats are less than exceptional."

24) I got into a knife fight. The knife lost

25) I'm a lumber jack and I'm ok, I cut down trees and I wear high heels, suspenders and a bra - I wish I'd been a girlie, just like my dear papa...............is this the right thread ?

26) I aspire to turbo/supercharge everything I own, this includes the microwave

27) Even as a kid I could anhialate everyone at a game of conkers......USING MY LEFT NUT

28) When the Olympics found out G4S couldnt provide the security required they asked me if i could do it, but i was too busy drinking beer and nailing strippers.

29) Not only do I pee standing up, I'm doing a handstand, not standing on my feet

 

30) I don't wash the dishes they wet themselves in fear

31) when I need to stop a wee midstream I smash him with a hammer to stem the flow

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1) I coat my cornflakes every morning with lead filings and 99Ron fuel.

2) I cut the grass by pouring petrol over it and setting fire!

3) I chew on wild rabbits as a snack.

4) I blow my tyres up with my mouth.

5) I shave with a bowie knife.

6) I changed my oil and used my teeth to get the sup plug off!

7) I too changed my oil and drank the waste!

8) I eat my dinner with a pitch fork and machete.

9) My cat has been trained to be the local drug dealer

10) I drive a pick up truck. The manliest vehicle in the known universe

11) I am ians cats best customer

12) When servicing my car I don't use ramps, I hold my car up with my knees

13) I wear barbed wire instead of socks

14) I brush my teeth with a wire brush

15) I drink sand

16) I can do 0-60 in 2.5 seconds. That's twice as fast as my car.

17) I used hair straighteners to smash my teeth out when I got bored cleaning them.

18) when I cook tea I often cut my own finger off as a snack.

19) I ate Ian's cat because it gives short measures

20) I use sandpaper condoms.

21) I do my own electrical work - stripping wires with my teeth - and leave the supply on whilst doing it.

22) When I do push-ups my body stays still and the earth moves up and down

23) I pop into fine haberdasheries and say "Your hats are less than exceptional."

24) I got into a knife fight. The knife lost

25) I'm a lumber jack and I'm ok, I cut down trees and I wear high heels, suspenders and a bra - I wish I'd been a girlie, just like my dear papa...............is this the right thread ?

26) I aspire to turbo/supercharge everything I own, this includes the microwave

27) Even as a kid I could anhialate everyone at a game of conkers......USING MY LEFT NUT

28) When the Olympics found out G4S couldnt provide the security required they asked me if i could do it, but i was too busy drinking beer and nailing strippers.

29) Not only do I pee standing up, I'm doing a handstand, not standing on my feet

30) I don't wash the dishes they wet themselves in fear

31) The exotic dancers at my local Gentleman's club know me by name.

32) when I need to stop a wee midstream I smash him with a hammer to stem the flow

33) I make onions cry

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34) I skip to the front of queues

1) I coat my cornflakes every morning with lead filings and 99Ron fuel.

2) I cut the grass by pouring petrol over it and setting fire!

3) I chew on wild rabbits as a snack.

4) I blow my tyres up with my mouth.

5) I shave with a bowie knife.

6) I changed my oil and used my teeth to get the sup plug off!

7) I too changed my oil and drank the waste!

8) I eat my dinner with a pitch fork and machete.

9) My cat has been trained to be the local drug dealer

10) I drive a pick up truck. The manliest vehicle in the known universe

11) I am ians cats best customer

12) When servicing my car I don't use ramps, I hold my car up with my knees

13) I wear barbed wire instead of socks

14) I brush my teeth with a wire brush

15) I drink sand

16) I can do 0-60 in 2.5 seconds. That's twice as fast as my car.

17) I used hair straighteners to smash my teeth out when I got bored cleaning them.

18) when I cook tea I often cut my own finger off as a snack.

19) I ate Ian's cat because it gives short measures

20) I use sandpaper condoms.

21) I do my own electrical work - stripping wires with my teeth - and leave the supply on whilst doing it.

22) When I do push-ups my body stays still and the earth moves up and down

23) I pop into fine haberdasheries and say "Your hats are less than exceptional."

24) I got into a knife fight. The knife lost

25) I'm a lumber jack and I'm ok, I cut down trees and I wear high heels, suspenders and a bra - I wish I'd been a girlie, just like my dear papa...............is this the right thread ?

26) I aspire to turbo/supercharge everything I own, this includes the microwave

27) Even as a kid I could anhialate everyone at a game of conkers......USING MY LEFT NUT

28) When the Olympics found out G4S couldnt provide the security required they asked me if i could do it, but i was too busy drinking beer and nailing strippers.

29) Not only do I pee standing up, I'm doing a handstand, not standing on my feet

30) I don't wash the dishes they wet themselves in fear

31) The exotic dancers at my local Gentleman's club know me by name.

32) when I need to stop a wee midstream I smash him with a hammer to stem the flow

33) I make onions cry

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Share on other sites

1) I coat my cornflakes every morning with lead filings and 99Ron fuel.

2) I cut the grass by pouring petrol over it and setting fire!

3) I chew on wild rabbits as a snack.

4) I blow my tyres up with my mouth.

5) I shave with a bowie knife.

6) I changed my oil and used my teeth to get the sup plug off!

7) I too changed my oil and drank the waste!

8) I eat my dinner with a pitch fork and machete.

9) My cat has been trained to be the local drug dealer

10) I drive a pick up truck. The manliest vehicle in the known universe

11) I am ians cats best customer

12) When servicing my car I don't use ramps, I hold my car up with my knees

13) I wear barbed wire instead of socks

14) I brush my teeth with a wire brush

15) I drink sand

16) I can do 0-60 in 2.5 seconds. That's twice as fast as my car.

17) I used hair straighteners to smash my teeth out when I got bored cleaning them.

18) when I cook tea I often cut my own finger off as a snack.

19) I ate Ian's cat because it gives short measures

20) I use sandpaper condoms.

21) I do my own electrical work - stripping wires with my teeth - and leave the supply on whilst doing it.

22) When I do push-ups my body stays still and the earth moves up and down

23) I pop into fine haberdasheries and say "Your hats are less than exceptional."

24) I got into a knife fight. The knife lost

25) I'm a lumber jack and I'm ok, I cut down trees and I wear high heels, suspenders and a bra - I wish I'd been a girlie, just like my dear papa...............is this the right thread ?

26) I aspire to turbo/supercharge everything I own, this includes the microwave

27) Even as a kid I could anhialate everyone at a game of conkers......USING MY LEFT NUT

28) When the Olympics found out G4S couldnt provide the security required they asked me if i could do it, but i was too busy drinking beer and nailing strippers.

29) Not only do I pee standing up, I'm doing a handstand, not standing on my feet

30) I don't wash the dishes they wet themselves in fear

31) The exotic dancers at my local Gentleman's club know me by name.

32) when I need to stop a wee midstream I smash him with a hammer to stem the flow

33) I make onions cry

34) my seaman can swim the channel . . . and back !

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1) I coat my cornflakes every morning with lead filings and 99Ron fuel.

2) I cut the grass by pouring petrol over it and setting fire!

3) I chew on wild rabbits as a snack.

4) I blow my tyres up with my mouth.

5) I shave with a bowie knife.

6) I changed my oil and used my teeth to get the sup plug off!

7) I too changed my oil and drank the waste!

8) I eat my dinner with a pitch fork and machete.

9) My cat has been trained to be the local drug dealer

10) I drive a pick up truck. The manliest vehicle in the known universe

11) I am ians cats best customer

12) When servicing my car I don't use ramps, I hold my car up with my knees

13) I wear barbed wire instead of socks

14) I brush my teeth with a wire brush

15) I drink sand

16) I can do 0-60 in 2.5 seconds. That's twice as fast as my car.

17) I used hair straighteners to smash my teeth out when I got bored cleaning them.

18) when I cook tea I often cut my own finger off as a snack.

19) I ate Ian's cat because it gives short measures

20) I use sandpaper condoms.

21) I do my own electrical work - stripping wires with my teeth - and leave the supply on whilst doing it.

22) When I do push-ups my body stays still and the earth moves up and down

23) I pop into fine haberdasheries and say "Your hats are less than exceptional."

24) I got into a knife fight. The knife lost

25) I'm a lumber jack and I'm ok, I cut down trees and I wear high heels, suspenders and a bra - I wish I'd been a girlie, just like my dear papa...............is this the right thread ?

26) I aspire to turbo/supercharge everything I own, this includes the microwave

27) Even as a kid I could anhialate everyone at a game of conkers......USING MY LEFT NUT

28) When the Olympics found out G4S couldnt provide the security required they asked me if i could do it, but i was too busy drinking beer and nailing strippers.

29) Not only do I pee standing up, I'm doing a handstand, not standing on my feet

30) I don't wash the dishes they wet themselves in fear

31) The exotic dancers at my local Gentleman's club know me by name.

32) when I need to stop a wee midstream I smash him with a hammer to stem the flow

33) I make onions cry

34) my seaman can swim the channel . . . and back !

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Share on other sites

1) I coat my cornflakes every morning with lead filings and 99Ron fuel.

2) I cut the grass by pouring petrol over it and setting fire!

3) I chew on wild rabbits as a snack.

4) I blow my tyres up with my mouth.

5) I shave with a bowie knife.

6) I changed my oil and used my teeth to get the sup plug off!

7) I too changed my oil and drank the waste!

8) I eat my dinner with a pitch fork and machete.

9) My cat has been trained to be the local drug dealer

10) I drive a pick up truck. The manliest vehicle in the known universe

11) I am ians cats best customer

12) When servicing my car I don't use ramps, I hold my car up with my knees

13) I wear barbed wire instead of socks

14) I brush my teeth with a wire brush

15) I drink sand

16) I can do 0-60 in 2.5 seconds. That's twice as fast as my car.

17) I used hair straighteners to smash my teeth out when I got bored cleaning them.

18) when I cook tea I often cut my own finger off as a snack.

19) I ate Ian's cat because it gives short measures

20) I use sandpaper condoms.

21) I do my own electrical work - stripping wires with my teeth - and leave the supply on whilst doing it.

22) When I do push-ups my body stays still and the earth moves up and down

23) I pop into fine haberdasheries and say "Your hats are less than exceptional."

24) I got into a knife fight. The knife lost

25) I'm a lumber jack and I'm ok, I cut down trees and I wear high heels, suspenders and a bra - I wish I'd been a girlie, just like my dear papa...............is this the right thread ?

26) I aspire to turbo/supercharge everything I own, this includes the microwave

27) Even as a kid I could anhialate everyone at a game of conkers......USING MY LEFT NUT

28) When the Olympics found out G4S couldnt provide the security required they asked me if i could do it, but i was too busy drinking beer and nailing strippers.

29) Not only do I pee standing up, I'm doing a handstand, not standing on my feet

30) I don't wash the dishes they wet themselves in fear

31) The exotic dancers at my local Gentleman's club know me by name.

32) when I need to stop a wee midstream I smash him with a hammer to stem the flow

33) I make onions cry

34) my seaman can swim the channel . . . and back !

35) I once said 'NO' to my wife!!!!

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Share on other sites

1) I coat my cornflakes every morning with lead filings and 99Ron fuel.

2) I cut the grass by pouring petrol over it and setting fire!

3) I chew on wild rabbits as a snack.

4) I blow my tyres up with my mouth.

5) I shave with a bowie knife.

6) I changed my oil and used my teeth to get the sup plug off!

7) I too changed my oil and drank the waste!

8) I eat my dinner with a pitch fork and machete.

9) My cat has been trained to be the local drug dealer

10) I drive a pick up truck. The manliest vehicle in the known universe

11) I am ians cats best customer

12) When servicing my car I don't use ramps, I hold my car up with my knees

13) I wear barbed wire instead of socks

14) I brush my teeth with a wire brush

15) I drink sand

16) I can do 0-60 in 2.5 seconds. That's twice as fast as my car.

17) I used hair straighteners to smash my teeth out when I got bored cleaning them.

18) when I cook tea I often cut my own finger off as a snack.

19) I ate Ian's cat because it gives short measures

20) I use sandpaper condoms.

21) I do my own electrical work - stripping wires with my teeth - and leave the supply on whilst doing it.

22) When I do push-ups my body stays still and the earth moves up and down

23) I pop into fine haberdasheries and say "Your hats are less than exceptional."

24) I got into a knife fight. The knife lost

25) I'm a lumber jack and I'm ok, I cut down trees and I wear high heels, suspenders and a bra - I wish I'd been a girlie, just like my dear papa...............is this the right thread ?

26) I aspire to turbo/supercharge everything I own, this includes the microwave

27) Even as a kid I could anhialate everyone at a game of conkers......USING MY LEFT NUT

28) When the Olympics found out G4S couldnt provide the security required they asked me if i could do it, but i was too busy drinking beer and nailing strippers.

29) Not only do I pee standing up, I'm doing a handstand, not standing on my feet

30) I don't wash the dishes they wet themselves in fear

31) The exotic dancers at my local Gentleman's club know me by name.

32) when I need to stop a wee midstream I smash him with a hammer to stem the flow

33) I make onions cry

34) my seaman can swim the channel . . . and back !

35) I once said 'NO' to my wife!!!!

26) When I went to Iraq in 2003, Saddam Whitshisface was so scared he hid in a hole in a farmers backyard, I then went on to drink strippers and nail drink!!

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1) I coat my cornflakes every morning with lead filings and 99Ron fuel.

2) I cut the grass by pouring petrol over it and setting fire!

3) I chew on wild rabbits as a snack.

4) I blow my tyres up with my mouth.

5) I shave with a bowie knife.

6) I changed my oil and used my teeth to get the sup plug off!

7) I too changed my oil and drank the waste!

8) I eat my dinner with a pitch fork and machete.

9) My cat has been trained to be the local drug dealer

10) I drive a pick up truck. The manliest vehicle in the known universe

11) I am ians cats best customer

12) When servicing my car I don't use ramps, I hold my car up with my knees

13) I wear barbed wire instead of socks

14) I brush my teeth with a wire brush

15) I drink sand

16) I can do 0-60 in 2.5 seconds. That's twice as fast as my car.

17) I used hair straighteners to smash my teeth out when I got bored cleaning them.

18) when I cook tea I often cut my own finger off as a snack.

19) I ate Ian's cat because it gives short measures

20) I use sandpaper condoms.

21) I do my own electrical work - stripping wires with my teeth - and leave the supply on whilst doing it.

22) When I do push-ups my body stays still and the earth moves up and down

23) I pop into fine haberdasheries and say "Your hats are less than exceptional."

24) I got into a knife fight. The knife lost

25) I'm a lumber jack and I'm ok, I cut down trees and I wear high heels, suspenders and a bra - I wish I'd been a girlie, just like my dear papa...............is this the right thread ?

26) I aspire to turbo/supercharge everything I own, this includes the microwave

27) Even as a kid I could anhialate everyone at a game of conkers......USING MY LEFT NUT

28) When the Olympics found out G4S couldnt provide the security required they asked me if i could do it, but i was too busy drinking beer and nailing strippers.

29) Not only do I pee standing up, I'm doing a handstand, not standing on my feet

30) I don't wash the dishes they wet themselves in fear

31) The exotic dancers at my local Gentleman's club know me by name.

32) when I need to stop a wee midstream I smash him with a hammer to stem the flow

33) I make onions cry

34) my seaman can swim the channel . . . and back !

35) I once said 'NO' to my wife!!!!

26) When I went to Iraq in 2003, Saddam Whitshisface was so scared he hid in a hole in a farmers backyard, I then went on to drink strippers and nail drink!!

27) When doing DIY I don't need a hammer, I smash the nails in with my face.

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1) I coat my cornflakes every morning with lead filings and 99Ron fuel.

2) I cut the grass by pouring petrol over it and setting fire!

3) I chew on wild rabbits as a snack.

4) I blow my tyres up with my mouth.

5) I shave with a bowie knife.

6) I changed my oil and used my teeth to get the sup plug off!

7) I too changed my oil and drank the waste!

8) I eat my dinner with a pitch fork and machete.

9) My cat has been trained to be the local drug dealer

10) I drive a pick up truck. The manliest vehicle in the known universe

11) I am ians cats best customer

12) When servicing my car I don't use ramps, I hold my car up with my knees

13) I wear barbed wire instead of socks

14) I brush my teeth with a wire brush

15) I drink sand

16) I can do 0-60 in 2.5 seconds. That's twice as fast as my car.

17) I used hair straighteners to smash my teeth out when I got bored cleaning them.

18) when I cook tea I often cut my own finger off as a snack.

19) I ate Ian's cat because it gives short measures

20) I use sandpaper condoms.

21) I do my own electrical work - stripping wires with my teeth - and leave the supply on whilst doing it.

22) When I do push-ups my body stays still and the earth moves up and down

23) I pop into fine haberdasheries and say "Your hats are less than exceptional."

24) I got into a knife fight. The knife lost

25) I'm a lumber jack and I'm ok, I cut down trees and I wear high heels, suspenders and a bra - I wish I'd been a girlie, just like my dear papa...............is this the right thread ?

26) I aspire to turbo/supercharge everything I own, this includes the microwave

27) Even as a kid I could anhialate everyone at a game of conkers......USING MY LEFT NUT

28) When the Olympics found out G4S couldnt provide the security required they asked me if i could do it, but i was too busy drinking beer and nailing strippers.

29) Not only do I pee standing up, I'm doing a handstand, not standing on my feet

30) I don't wash the dishes they wet themselves in fear

31) The exotic dancers at my local Gentleman's club know me by name.

32) when I need to stop a wee midstream I smash him with a hammer to stem the flow

33) I make onions cry

34) my seaman can swim the channel . . . and back !

35) I once said 'NO' to my wife!!!!

36) When I went to Iraq in 2003, Saddam Whitshisface was so scared he hid in a hole in a farmers backyard, I then went on to drink strippers and nail drink!!

37) When doing DIY I don't need a hammer, I smash the nails in with my face.

38) Cheryl cole says my name.... baby!

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Share on other sites

1) I coat my cornflakes every morning with lead filings and 99Ron fuel.

2) I cut the grass by pouring petrol over it and setting fire!

3) I chew on wild rabbits as a snack.

4) I blow my tyres up with my mouth.

5) I shave with a bowie knife.

6) I changed my oil and used my teeth to get the sup plug off!

7) I too changed my oil and drank the waste!

8) I eat my dinner with a pitch fork and machete.

9) My cat has been trained to be the local drug dealer

10) I drive a pick up truck. The manliest vehicle in the known universe

11) I am ians cats best customer

12) When servicing my car I don't use ramps, I hold my car up with my knees

13) I wear barbed wire instead of socks

14) I brush my teeth with a wire brush

15) I drink sand

16) I can do 0-60 in 2.5 seconds. That's twice as fast as my car.

17) I used hair straighteners to smash my teeth out when I got bored cleaning them.

18) when I cook tea I often cut my own finger off as a snack.

19) I ate Ian's cat because it gives short measures

20) I use sandpaper condoms.

21) I do my own electrical work - stripping wires with my teeth - and leave the supply on whilst doing it.

22) When I do push-ups my body stays still and the earth moves up and down

23) I pop into fine haberdasheries and say "Your hats are less than exceptional."

24) I got into a knife fight. The knife lost

25) I'm a lumber jack and I'm ok, I cut down trees and I wear high heels, suspenders and a bra - I wish I'd been a girlie, just like my dear papa...............is this the right thread ?

26) I aspire to turbo/supercharge everything I own, this includes the microwave

27) Even as a kid I could anhialate everyone at a game of conkers......USING MY LEFT NUT

28) When the Olympics found out G4S couldnt provide the security required they asked me if i could do it, but i was too busy drinking beer and nailing strippers.

29) Not only do I pee standing up, I'm doing a handstand, not standing on my feet

30) I don't wash the dishes they wet themselves in fear

31) The exotic dancers at my local Gentleman's club know me by name.

32) when I need to stop a wee midstream I smash him with a hammer to stem the flow

33) I make onions cry

34) my seaman can swim the channel . . . and back !

35) I once said 'NO' to my wife!!!!

36) When I went to Iraq in 2003, Saddam Whitshisface was so scared he hid in a hole in a farmers backyard, I then went on to drink strippers and nail drink!!

37) When doing DIY I don't need a hammer, I smash the nails in with my face.

38) Cheryl cole says my name.... baby!

39) I can pebble dash a house just with the use of 20 bottles of scrumpy and a large bag of nuts.

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Just to neaten up the list as a few people can't count :p and 34) skipped to the front of the queue :lol:

 

34) I skip to the front of queues

1) I coat my cornflakes every morning with lead filings and 99Ron fuel.

2) I cut the grass by pouring petrol over it and setting fire!

3) I chew on wild rabbits as a snack.

4) I blow my tyres up with my mouth.

5) I shave with a bowie knife.

6) I changed my oil and used my teeth to get the sup plug off!

7) I too changed my oil and drank the waste!

8) I eat my dinner with a pitch fork and machete.

9) My cat has been trained to be the local drug dealer

10) I drive a pick up truck. The manliest vehicle in the known universe

11) I am ians cats best customer

12) When servicing my car I don't use ramps, I hold my car up with my knees

13) I wear barbed wire instead of socks

14) I brush my teeth with a wire brush

15) I drink sand

16) I can do 0-60 in 2.5 seconds. That's twice as fast as my car.

17) I used hair straighteners to smash my teeth out when I got bored cleaning them.

18) when I cook tea I often cut my own finger off as a snack.

19) I ate Ian's cat because it gives short measures

20) I use sandpaper condoms.

21) I do my own electrical work - stripping wires with my teeth - and leave the supply on whilst doing it.

22) When I do push-ups my body stays still and the earth moves up and down

23) I pop into fine haberdasheries and say "Your hats are less than exceptional."

24) I got into a knife fight. The knife lost

25) I'm a lumber jack and I'm ok, I cut down trees and I wear high heels, suspenders and a bra - I wish I'd been a girlie, just like my dear papa...............is this the right thread ?

26) I aspire to turbo/supercharge everything I own, this includes the microwave

27) Even as a kid I could anhialate everyone at a game of conkers......USING MY LEFT NUT

28) When the Olympics found out G4S couldnt provide the security required they asked me if i could do it, but i was too busy drinking beer and nailing strippers.

29) Not only do I pee standing up, I'm doing a handstand, not standing on my feet

30) I don't wash the dishes they wet themselves in fear

31) The exotic dancers at my local Gentleman's club know me by name.

32) when I need to stop a wee midstream I smash him with a hammer to stem the flow

33) I make onions cry

35) my seaman can swim the channel . . . and back !

36) I once said 'NO' to my wife!!!!

37) When I went to Iraq in 2003, Saddam Whitshisface was so scared he hid in a hole in a farmers backyard, I then went on to drink strippers and nail drink!!

38) When doing DIY I don't need a hammer, I smash the nails in with my face.

39) Cheryl cole says my name.... baby!

40) I can pebble dash a house just with the use of 20 bottles of scrumpy and a large bag of nuts.

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