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Friday funnies


EH 370z

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The top 10 Edinburgh festival funnies:

 

1) Nick Helm: "I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."

 

2) Tim Vine: "Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels."

 

3) Hannibal Buress: "People say 'I'm taking it one day at a time'. You know what? So is everybody. That's how time works."

 

4) Tim Key: "Drive-Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought... once you've hired the car..."

 

5) Matt Kirshen: "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting'. So we stopped playing chess."

 

6) Sarah Millican: "My mother told me, you don't have to put anything in your mouth you don't want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards."

 

7) Alan Sharp: "I was in a band which we called The Prevention, because we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure."

 

8) Mark Watson: "Someone asked me recently - what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I'm not falling for that one again, wife."

 

9) Andrew Lawrence: "I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can't even be bothered to check my OWN voicemails."

 

10) DeAnne Smith: "My friend died doing what he loved ... Heroin."

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two old woman meet for a coffee, one lady says to the other "did you come on the bus" other replies "yes, but i made it look like an asthma attack"

 

 

Two nuns on their bikes have to take a detour down a back street - one says to the other "I've never come this way before" - other says "Its the cobbles"

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