Fathers

[Daryl]

Going through a bad patch with my dad at the moment. Basically,iv never been able to talk to my dad about my mum,or anything to do with my mums family. Its been like this since i remember,im 28 in a few months. My dad gets very angry and abusive at the mere mention of my mum. I lived with my dad for nearly 3 years from when i was 19-20,and worked with him,and served my apprenticeship with him,before going to Prodrive. I went to my mums parents 60th wedding anniversary dinner in Cornwall a couple of weeks back,(Stayed with my mum,sister,nephew and step dad in a cottage) and on the monday (on my way home) my dad rang, I rang him back and had a chat,and mentioned where id been,and why. BIG MISTAKE.He went into an absolute state,crying,shouting and being abusive at me,towards me and my mum,and her family,and saying how they dont give a sh!t etc etc,and how iv betrayed him,and that they only know the lies my mum told,and not the truth. etc etc

As the phone call didnt end well,i called him up the next day (last Tuesday) to makesure he was ok. Again,i got much of the same,but we did talk about things that were previously never discussed,and i felt abit better about things. This despite my dad saying id stabbed in him in the back,and that he wanted to 'take a magic pill to make it all go away'.

Iv also been in text contact with one of his brothers,who has said he is in a bad way,but has said that if i want to talk to him,and understand all the stuff that went on,then he will talk to me about it.

Im left feeling very angry by all this,and to be honest,feeling my dad is pretty pathetic,which is not a nice feeling. I still dont believe hes that bitter and twisted after 25 years!

 

Not really expecting much help from posting this,but wanted to write it down,and also explain my lack of motivation to get projects like the strut cover finished. I dont think i can talk to my mum and her husband about it,and my partner has been very supportive the past few weeks,but its a strange situation. Just dont know what to do really.

[Neilp]

Hey Darren, I really feel for you.

I have family who are in a similar position. Its very hard to be torn between two parents and you've got to sit your dad down and make him promise to not fly off the handle. Explain that whatever happened between your mum and him is strictly between them. Explain that even though he and you mum dont get on, that you still need a mother figure in your life. Tell him that you appreciate that he raised you and gave you that inspiration to be so successful in your job etc and that you will always be thankful.

 

Sometimes you just need to take a different approach. Make him promise to speak and not shout, ask him to unload the nitty gritty details as it may help for him to offload some of his thoughts. Although you feel your dads pretty pathetic at the moment, you may not understand everything that has happened which has caused him to go this way. He may have some other secrets about what went on which he might not share. Whatever it is explain that you need both of them in your life. You cant choose between parents.

 

I really hope you work this out mate as i cant think of anything worse tbh.

 

Neil

[Daryl]

Part of the conversation we had Tuesday was to do with him saying that my mum and her family were taking all the credit for his hard work,and i said to him that there was alot that has gone on in my life that he is not aware of,as i talked to my mum etc about it. I told him that i was not going to take sides on it,and that my mum is a part of my life,as is he,and everyone else on that side of the family. He appears to be blaming me for him not dealing with his issues 20 years go,and he had the cheek to remind me that he was diagnosed with depression and put on medication because he was lonely after i moved away in 2006. There is way more to explain than what iv written,as this whole thing stems back to when i was a kid,but felt i needed to vent a little bit,as i find it affecting my life now,and making me unhappy and angry,just like him,and i dont want that.

 

Thanks for the advice Neil,iv actually remained calm throughout the chats we have had. A couple of years ago i would have gone ape,and shouted and screamed back,but iv tried to just talk to him and remain calm.

[Zugara]

Sorry to hear this mate.

Been in simile position.

All I would at is this. Life really is to short to have this type of fued.

Hope you get it all sorted.

[scubapics]

Sounds to me as though your father needs professional help to help him deal with his problems. It's not something that you can do by yourself.

 

Jim

[Daryl]

Well,real progress today. I received a card from my dad,with a note inside. Is basically an apology,but it dont actually say 'Im sorry',but for my dad,this is unheard of. So was nice. Still havnt spoke to him,after what he said,im going to ring him after the weekend probably. Its still very raw,and want to give us both time to think and chill abit.

Thanks for the comments,its probably one of the hardest things iv had to deal with in my life. Probably worse than having my ex-girlfriend of 5 years leave me.

[Toon Chris]

Neil's advice is excellent. If you feel it is hard to get this across to your dad, write it down and send it to him. It is sometimes easier to initially absorb from a letter than in a face-to-face, more emotionally charged situation.

Don't write an epic and do let your partner read it through first to get another opinion as to whether you have made you point but not sounded over accusatory - then go visit or call him.

Good luck mate, it's tough when someone shifts their issues onto you, and very tough when one it's a loved one.

[Ebized]

Many of us have had family issues and everyone is personal, but all I can say from what I have seen that you have posted since you have been a member on here, is that if I were your Dad I would be very proud of where you have got to in your career and positives like that and what the future holds are things to celebrate and look forward to, rather than falling back on the past that can't be changed.

[SwanageDave]

Sorry to hear about Your Problem Mate, All i can say is good luck and love em both equally.

[Daryl]

Thanks guys. Felt abit pants the past week,up and down. I know what my dad said was harsh,and he said it because he was angry,but it still had an effect,as does his well being,as im naturally concerned about him,and i know he is depressed.

We shall see,i hope that when i talk to him next week,we can put what happened to one side,and start to go back to being how we used to be. Time will tell.

[SwanageDave]

I would just tell him to try and get on with his own life as it must have been hard for him over the last years since the divorce and let him know as he will already that you are always going to be there for him and love him just the same as you always have. then slap him and buy him a pint

[Ekona]

FWIW you've handled things very well and I doubt any of us could have done any better. Your Dad clearly has huge issues that he can't let go of which is a shame for him, but don't let him get you down too.

[Ricey]

Daryl I'm literally about 6 months ahead of you with a carbon copy situation (even down to the fact that we're both 28 and parents divorced 25 years ago!?!?). I could literally repeat what you've said at the top with a few minor tweaks.

 

I'll only add a couple of things because people have given you great advice and I dealt with my situation in a manner that I wouldn't like to recommend to others because its a personal choice - I don't have anything to do with my dad anymore because he was literally pushing me to the point of snapping.

 

Depression is an evil little bitch and whilst I've never had it myself I still feel confident enough to say.........its still not an excuse for acting like a ****.

 

Something you HAVE to do here is look after yourself, your life and your partner. Your dad is exactly that your DAD......parents are supposed to be there for their children come good or bad, rain or shine - children are not here to deal with parents who act like selfish mongtards. He is not your responsibility, you have your own life, he made his bed and now he lies in it.

 

I don't know your dad so I don't know if this reaction was out of sorts or a more normal outburst - one thing I would say is to make sure he's not resorting to drink to cope with any anxiety or depression - this could explain any unusual personality change........my dad did and thats what drove me over the edge to the point where I had to tell him I didn't want anything to do with him anymore. Whether I'll ever change that opinion remains to be seen because after 4 solid years of grief and refusing to help himself (other than chomping down as many magic pills from the doctor he could find) I was very close to a nasty edge.

 

Its a bloody horrible thing to deal with and it sounds like you perhaps have a lot more time for you dad than I ever did for mine anyway so follow the good advice others have given........if you want my honest opinion from what you said above - I can't see you dad getting any better without a wake up call (I wouldn't mind a guess that he's been through a 5 year mill of anti depressants, anti anxiety, beta blockers, diazapam, counselling, psychiatrists, CPN's ETC with no success) - he's bitter about his life and he needs to deal with it - no pill will cure that and neither can you.

 

I'm at the end of a pm anytime mate.......I genuninely feel for you bud.

[martinmac]

My son is 27 and his mother and I split up when he was about 1. He has lived in Hong Kong and Barcelona in his early years but fortunately my late ex wife and I never argued about him or used him to make points over each other.

 

Your are in a difficult position and seem to be handling it very well. Just keep talking and it will get better. If he feels that you are not taking sides and are doing the best not to hurt anyone he will eventually understand.

[racinggreen]

Suffered with depression myself after I found out my daughter has a disability.

 

Took some time to materialise itself in full, working afternoons at the time along with getting up early to get my daughter to school did not help the situation.

 

There are well documented methods of dealing with it and support from those around you certainly helps. This can be shown be encouraging and taking the person out to do things. Getting out during the day helps.

 

That said he has no right to put any guilt trips on you about his depression - its his response to not being able to deal with his own problems. You will not be able to help unless he wants it. Definitely not if he will not even speak to you about things -its his choice.

 

It may well help by speaking to the brother you mentioned as an understanding of the situation may help you in your choices. Do not take all the brother says as gospel though, as everyones truth is different and you may need to get a fuller picture of the situation your dad finds himself in from others also.

 

Dealing with your parents in situations like this is very hard - My parents divorced when I was 20 ish when he left for another woman - seemed like all his fault but I will never truly know as neither was ever going to spill the whole truth and as I say all people have different truths on any given situation.

 

You have to decide what you want and dont want in your life when dealing with your parents problems and let them know this as you would with anyone else. It is up to them to respect that choice. Whatever you decide to do you must put your own life/health first and your decisions should be guided by this.

[Daryl]

Cheers for the comments folks,and its helpful to heard other people have gone through similar problems,and worse.

Iv never asked what happened with my mum,partly because iv always thought of it as their business,not mine,not to mention that il probably never hear the full truth,and that i dont really want to drag up the past an upset everyone.

My dad has always been abit of a stoner,which probably dont help his situation. He has always had a joint in the evening,ever since i remember.

I understand why people would be pushed to a point and then say no more,to be honest,maybe thats what i should do. But my dad has no one else,he has no girlfriend or wife,very few friends,and is generally a very lonely person. He is not close to his family at al. Maybe thats why it has hurt him more,who knows. Luckily i have a few very good friends of varying ages,not to mention my partner,who has been fantastic about the whole thing,that i can talk to,and seek guidance from. No to mention this old place,and you guys.

I must admit,despite talking about it,actually writing it out on here made me feel alot better. I have suffered from anger issues in the past,and although better than i was,i think maybe some of it come from my father and unresolved issues. Who knows,iv also learnt to deal with it better,and not let it over come me so much. Its certainly not going to fix or heal itself over night,but i feel that maybe me and my dad have turned a corner now,hopefully leaving the past where it belongs. Im not going to ring him till after the weekend,as i think that some reflection time is needed for both of us.