Husky Posted December 9, 2009 Share Posted December 9, 2009 im chancing it here but was to good to resist as its xmas themed Q. What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer out on Christmas Eve? A. They go into to town and blow a few bucks. Q. What's the difference between snow men and snow women? A. Snowballs Q. Why are women's breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time ? A. Because they were originally made for children but the father wants to play with them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tmJak Posted December 9, 2009 Share Posted December 9, 2009 , glad I read this joke before it was deleted by the mean old mods Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Greekman Posted December 9, 2009 Share Posted December 9, 2009 LMFAO Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rich5259 Posted December 9, 2009 Share Posted December 9, 2009 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nixy Posted December 9, 2009 Share Posted December 9, 2009 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Husky Posted December 9, 2009 Author Share Posted December 9, 2009 i hope im not in trouble || \/ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rtbiscuit Posted December 9, 2009 Share Posted December 9, 2009 lol is this a cram as much in as possible before being shut down Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Husky Posted December 10, 2009 Author Share Posted December 10, 2009 WHY IS A CHRISTMAS TREE BETTER THAN A MAN A Christmas tree is always erect. Even small ones give satisfaction. A Christmas tree stays up for 12 days and nights. A Christmas tree always looks good - even with the lights on. A Christmas tree is always happy with its size. A Christmas tree has cute balls. A Christmas tree doesn’t get mad if you break one of its balls. You can throw a Christmas tree out when it’s past its ’sell by’ date. You don’t have to put up with a Christmas tree all year. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nixy Posted December 10, 2009 Share Posted December 10, 2009 Do you know what would have happened if it had been three Wise Women instead of three Wise Men? They would have asked directions, Arrived on time, Helped deliver the baby, Cleaned the stable, Brought practical gifts. And made a casserole But do you know what they would have said as they were leaving. As they left they would have said. “Did you see the sandals Mary was wearing with that gownâ€. “The baby doesn’t even look a bit like Josephâ€. “Can you believe they let all those disgusting animals in thereâ€. “And that donkey that they’re riding has seen better days tooâ€. “I heard that Joseph isn’t working right nowâ€. “Want to bet how long it will take before we get the casserole dish backâ€. “Virgin my ass I knew her in school†Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Husky Posted December 10, 2009 Author Share Posted December 10, 2009 10 Reasons Why a Christmas Tree Is Better Than a Woman 10. A Christmas tree doesn’t care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past. 09. Christmas trees don’t get mad if you use exotic electrical devices. 08. A Christmas tree doesn’t care if you have an artificial one in the closet. 07. A Christmas tree doesn’t get mad if you break one of its balls. 06. You can feel a Christmas tree before you take it home. 05. A Christmas tree doesn’t get mad if you look up underneath it. 04. When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away. 03. A Christmas tree doesn’t get jealous around other Christmas trees. 02. A Christmas tree doesn’t care if you watch football all day. 01. A Christmas tree doesn’t get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nixy Posted December 10, 2009 Share Posted December 10, 2009 i preferred your first version of that joke - FAR superior........... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nixy Posted December 10, 2009 Share Posted December 10, 2009 Dear Santa, I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door. Love, Susan Dear Susan, Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Two words, Jim Beam. Santa deer santa: I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer. Yer Frend, BiLLy Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care.. How about I send you a book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell! Santa Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? Santa Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do. Love, Teddy Dear Teddy, Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid, fat mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead. Maybe you can build yourself a family with those? Santa Dear Santa, I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis Dear Francis, Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay. Santa Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys? Your friend, Thomas Dear Thomas, All the toys are made by little kids like you in China . Every year I give them a slice of bread as a Christmas bonus. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Santa P.S. Tell your mom she got the part. Long Dong Claus Dear Santa, Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica Dear Jessica, Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house. Santa Dear Santa, I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one? Timmy Timmy, That whiney begging crap may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting an ugly sweater again. Santa Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home? Love, Marky Mark, First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass kicked at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent, ghetto apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams, Santa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Husky Posted December 10, 2009 Author Share Posted December 10, 2009 Three altar boys are standing in the snow with their pants down around their ankles. They have their penis' in a snow bank.Sister Margaret sticks her head out the window and says, "Boys! Boys!Whatever are you doing... you're going to catch pneumonia. Put your penis' away." The tallest altar boy turns around and yells, "Sister Margaret, don't worry, we know what we're doing. Father Porter always likes a couplecold ones after work... Why are women like snow flakes?? They are all beautiful. They are all different. They can all be cold as ice. But they'll all melt when they land on your face... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Greekman Posted December 10, 2009 Share Posted December 10, 2009 you cracked me up guys!!!!! thanks Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trev-the-Rev Posted December 10, 2009 Share Posted December 10, 2009 Keep em coming Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tarmac@TarmacSportz Posted December 10, 2009 Share Posted December 10, 2009 One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She asks "Santa, will you stay with me?" Santa says, "Ho Ho Ho I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!" She takes off her nightgown, and wearing only a bra and panties, she asks "Santa, now will you stay with me?" Santa says, "Ho Ho Ho I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!" She takes off everything and asks "Santa, now will you stay with me?" Santa replies "Hey Hey I gotta stay, gotta stay! I can't get up the chimney with my dick this way!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunset350z Posted December 10, 2009 Share Posted December 10, 2009 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tarmac@TarmacSportz Posted December 10, 2009 Share Posted December 10, 2009 He laid her on the table. So white clean and bare. His forehead wet with beads of sweat. He rubbed her here and there. He touched her neck and then her breast. And then drooling felt her thigh. The slit was wet and all was set, He gave a joyous cry. The hole was wide...he looked inside. All was dark and murky. He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms... And then he stuffed the turkey Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nixy Posted December 10, 2009 Share Posted December 10, 2009 i avoided those two on purpose! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cookiemonster Posted December 10, 2009 Share Posted December 10, 2009 This was an email from the General manager. What a legend Office Holiday Memo To: All Employees From: Management Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council). 1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged. 2. Playing Jingle Bells on the Tanoy speaker is forbidden 3. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug." 4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house. 5. All xmas cake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25. 6. Cranberry and Turkey sandwiches will NOT be dispensed in vending machines. 7. Snowball fights in the car park will not count as "taking a class" 8. Calling to say the pool is frozen will not be tolerated. Its an indoor heated pool. We are not idiots. 9. Dangerous driving in the snow on the car park is unacceptable. You are not a rally driver. 10. The xmas party is not an excuse to "Get naked" In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tarmac@TarmacSportz Posted December 10, 2009 Share Posted December 10, 2009 i avoided those two on purpose! There is a warning in the title Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nixy Posted December 10, 2009 Share Posted December 10, 2009 Three binmen were doing their Xmas rounds and collecting their well earned ‘xmas boxes’ from the grateful householders (grateful that they didn’t tip the bins across the drive!) when they arrived at a pleasant house at the end of a cul-de-sac. First binman goes up to the door to be met by the lady of the house in ‘revealing attire’ “Oh yes, I know what you want!†She says and drags him upstairs to the bedroom to have her wicked way with him. He returns bedraggled to the lorry and tells his mate. His mate thinks he’ll have some of that, goes to the house, once again she appears in even more ‘revealing attire’ “Oh yes, I know what you want!†She says and drags him upstairs to the bedroom to have her wicked way with him as well. He returns bedraggled to the lorry and tells the driver. Hmmm I’ll have a bit of that thinks the driver and walks up to the house, The lady opens the door and gives him a fiver, “Oi†he says, “What about the ‘fun and games’ you gave my matesâ€. “Oh that†she says “you’ll have to blame my husband for that†“what’s he got to do with it?†says the driver . . “Well, he said to give a fiver to the driver and **** the other two†Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tarmac@TarmacSportz Posted December 10, 2009 Share Posted December 10, 2009 Three binmen were doing their Xmas rounds and collecting their well earned ‘xmas boxes’ from the grateful householders (grateful that they didn’t tip the bins across the drive!) when they arrived at a pleasant house at the end of a cul-de-sac.First binman goes up to the door to be met by the lady of the house in ‘revealing attire’ “Oh yes, I know what you want!†She says and drags him upstairs to the bedroom to have her wicked way with him. He returns bedraggled to the lorry and tells his mate. His mate thinks he’ll have some of that, goes to the house, once again she appears in even more ‘revealing attire’ “Oh yes, I know what you want!†She says and drags him upstairs to the bedroom to have her wicked way with him as well. He returns bedraggled to the lorry and tells the driver. Hmmm I’ll have a bit of that thinks the driver and walks up to the house, The lady opens the door and gives him a fiver, “Oi†he says, “What about the ‘fun and games’ you gave my matesâ€. “Oh that†she says “you’ll have to blame my husband for that†“what’s he got to do with it?†says the driver . . “Well, he said to give a fiver to the driver and **** the other two†Love that one Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Husky Posted December 10, 2009 Author Share Posted December 10, 2009 9. Dangerous driving in the snow on the car park is unacceptable. You are not a rally driver. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rtbiscuit Posted December 10, 2009 Share Posted December 10, 2009 9. Dangerous driving in the snow on the car park is unacceptable. You are not a rally driver. thats the first thing i go and do Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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