Tarmac@TarmacSportz Posted September 25, 2009 Share Posted September 25, 2009 Lesson 1: A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob , the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.' After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob , after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?' 'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies. 'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?' Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure. Lesson 2: A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.' Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.' Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity. Lesson 3: A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.' 'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Puff! She's gone. 'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.' Puff! He's gone.. 'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.' Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say. Lesson 4 An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.' So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up. Lesson 5 A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.' 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.' The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree. Moral of the story: Bull @*!# might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there... Lesson 6 A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. Moral of the story: (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy. (2) Not everyone who gets you out of @*!# is your friend. (3) And when you're in deep @*!#, it's best to keep your mouth shut! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jay Posted September 25, 2009 Share Posted September 25, 2009 That is great Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darren-B Posted September 25, 2009 Share Posted September 25, 2009 Loving the first 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tarmac@TarmacSportz Posted September 25, 2009 Author Share Posted September 25, 2009 Im lesson 4 today.... but thats only cos ive been working really hard for the rest of the week Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ian Posted September 25, 2009 Share Posted September 25, 2009 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rtbiscuit Posted September 25, 2009 Share Posted September 25, 2009 read before and very funny Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tarmac@TarmacSportz Posted September 25, 2009 Author Share Posted September 25, 2009 read before and very funny Ive read a couple seperate b4 but never the full 6 lessons together Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rtbiscuit Posted September 25, 2009 Share Posted September 25, 2009 i emailed them to my dad, he's a manager for an engineering firm and i'm sure he'll see the funny side. another favorite is office terms like: seagull management = fly in crap on everyone from a great height and then fly out. percussive maintenance = hit it to fix it can't remember any of the others, but there was a whole list of them Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jim Posted September 25, 2009 Share Posted September 25, 2009 Likewise - seen some of them before but not the complete set. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tarmac@TarmacSportz Posted September 25, 2009 Author Share Posted September 25, 2009 i emailed them to my dad, he's a manager for an engineering firm and i'm sure he'll see the funny side. another favorite is office terms like: seagull management = fly in crap on everyone from a great height and then fly out. percussive maintenance = hit it to fix it can't remember any of the others, but there was a whole list of them OMG - am I your Daddy ? Im a manager of an engineering firm (when im not laying tarmac ) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nixy Posted September 25, 2009 Share Posted September 25, 2009 very very funny! I'll print those off and stick em up in my office i think Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Husky Posted September 25, 2009 Share Posted September 25, 2009 when your not laying tarmac your ordering you minions too peel it up from the neighbors? that kind of engineering firm Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tarmac@TarmacSportz Posted September 25, 2009 Author Share Posted September 25, 2009 when your not laying tarmac your ordering you minions too peel it up from the neighbors? that kind of engineering firm Yup, we call that reverse engineering Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rtbiscuit Posted September 25, 2009 Share Posted September 25, 2009 my dad works in aerospace maintenance at stansted, your in derby so i doubt your my daddy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tarmac@TarmacSportz Posted September 25, 2009 Author Share Posted September 25, 2009 my dad works in aerospace maintenance at stansted, your in derby so i doubt your my daddy Ok Son.... You know Rolls Royce is in Derby don't you !? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nixy Posted September 25, 2009 Share Posted September 25, 2009 i knew that! I knew someone at RR once............... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rtbiscuit Posted September 25, 2009 Share Posted September 25, 2009 my dad works in aerospace maintenance at stansted, your in derby so i doubt your my daddy Ok Son.... You know Rolls Royce is in Derby don't you !? yes i believe they tried to head hunt my dad there, i think it must have been RR, although i remember him going up that way to do something with dunlop, but i might have that completely wrong. my old man works for SR technics, to be honest i'm not sure what he actually does, i know its management, but what exactly i don't know, all i remember is that the only people above him are the board of directors. is that high enough to sit and do nothing Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tarmac@TarmacSportz Posted September 25, 2009 Author Share Posted September 25, 2009 is that high enough to sit and do nothing HELL yeah !!!! ive got a little insider secret about engineers, they do nothing, they are mostly geeks, they baffle brains with bulls*it and they have a fantastic ability to look busy when they are actually doing FA.... They are intelligent but they are more likely to get an erection over a pie chart than Megan Fox... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rtbiscuit Posted September 25, 2009 Share Posted September 25, 2009 is that high enough to sit and do nothing HELL yeah !!!! ive got a little insider secret about engineers, they do nothing, they are mostly geeks, they baffle brains with bulls*it and they have a fantastic ability to look busy when they are actually doing FA.... They are intelligent but they are more likely to get an erection over a pie chart than Megan Fox... i'm a trained engineer Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Husky Posted September 25, 2009 Share Posted September 25, 2009 is that high enough to sit and do nothing HELL yeah !!!! ive got a little insider secret about engineers, they do nothing, they are mostly geeks, they baffle brains with bulls*it and they have a fantastic ability to look busy when they are actually doing FA.... They are intelligent but they are more likely to get an erection over a pie chart than Megan Fox... whoooooooaoaoaaa there man. not only am i an engineer and thus offended im sure this forum is full of a rediculous amount of them too Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rtbiscuit Posted September 25, 2009 Share Posted September 25, 2009 actually i'm more likely to get excited over a pie ..... mmmmmmm pie, or even better megan fox with a pie mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm megan fox and pie (wheres the homer drool smiley) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tarmac@TarmacSportz Posted September 25, 2009 Author Share Posted September 25, 2009 is that high enough to sit and do nothing HELL yeah !!!! ive got a little insider secret about engineers, they do nothing, they are mostly geeks, they baffle brains with bulls*it and they have a fantastic ability to look busy when they are actually doing FA.... They are intelligent but they are more likely to get an erection over a pie chart than Megan Fox... whoooooooaoaoaaa there man. not only am i an engineer and thus offended im sure this forum is full of a rediculous amount of them too Me too Take a look around you next time your at work.... then tell me im wrong !!! Don't take offence boys.... Pie charts are coool Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Husky Posted September 25, 2009 Share Posted September 25, 2009 they have a fantastic ability to look busy when they are actually doing FA ok that bit is the only bit im sure you are VERY correct on Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rtbiscuit Posted September 25, 2009 Share Posted September 25, 2009 they have a fantastic ability to look busy when they are actually doing FA ok that bit is the only bit im sure you are VERY correct on i'm good at that too Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tarmac@TarmacSportz Posted September 25, 2009 Author Share Posted September 25, 2009 i knew that! I knew someone at RR once............... What Derby Rolls Royce.... I know loads of people who work there Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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