One for the ladies?

[jim]

A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong

with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into

a regular workout routine.

 

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my Husband (the dear) purchased a week of

personal training at the local health club for me.

 

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football

cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead

and give it a try.

 

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer

named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics

instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

 

My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club

encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

 

________________________________

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00 a..m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was

well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting

for me. He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes

and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!

 

Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching

the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my

workout today. Very inspiring!

 

Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was

already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is

going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

 

________________________________

TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.

Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air

then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the

treadmill, but I made the full mil e. His rewarding smile made it all

worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.

 

_______________________________

WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the

counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a

hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to

steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

 

Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other

club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the

morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY

annoying..

 

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the

stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate

an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would

help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other crap too.

 

_______________________________

THURSDAY:

Blockhead was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his

thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help

being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.

 

He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran

and hid in the changing room. He sent some skinny bitch to find me.

 

Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

_________________________________

FRIDAY:

I hate that bastard Christo more than any human being has ever hated

any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,

anemic, anorexic little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my

body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.

 

Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And

if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells

or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

 

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition

teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach

or the choir director?

 

________________________________

SATURDAY:

Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly

voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice

made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked

the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven

straight hours of the Weather Channel.

 

________________________________

SUNDAY:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and

thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my

husband will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a

hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would

have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

[nixy]

so true!

[rtbiscuit]

very funny

[Ian]

[rich5259]