Tall stories

[jim]

Oh No! Not more jokes! Some of these are pretty old, but might get a laugh or two even now.

 

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's room-mate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his room-mate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the room-mate than met the eye. Reading his mum's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just room-mates." About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mum."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Once there were twin brothers by the name of Jones. John Jones was married, and Joe Jones was single. The single brother Joe was the proud owner of a dilapidated row boat. It happened that John Jone's wife died the same day that Joe's rowboat filled with water and sank.

 

A few days later, a kindly old lady met Joe and mistaking him for John said; "Oh Mr. Jones, I am sorry to hear of your great loss, you must feel terrible".

 

Joe smiled and said, "Well I am not a bit sorry, she was rather old from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up and she smelled of dead fish. Even the first time I got into her, she made water faster than anything I ever saw. She had a bad crack and a pretty big hole in her front, and that hole got bigger every time I used her. It got so I could barely handle her, but if anyone else used her she leaked like anything. The thing that finished her was four guys from the other side of town. They came down looking for a good time and asked if I could lend her to them. I warned them she wasn't so hot, but they could take a crack at her if they liked. Well, the result was the crazy fools tried to get inside her all at once and it was too much for her. She cracked right up the middle".

 

Before he could finish the old lady had fainted !

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period," reported Johnnie. "Well I can see that," she said, "But what is so exciting about a period." "Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "But this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mummy fainted and the man next door shot himself."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Frank walks into a restroom in an airport and goes up to a urinal. A man with no arms comes up to him and says "Hey, can you give me a hand?". Though he feels uncomfortable, he agrees to help.

He unzips the man's pants, takes a deep breath, and reaches in and takes out his penis, which he is horrified to discover is all green and mouldy. Imagining the bonus he will get come judgement day, he continues to hold the man's mouldy unit as he urinates, gives it a shake, and zips it back up in his pants.

 

"Hey, thanks a lot, man." the man says.

 

"No problem. But there is one thing I have to know, what is wrong with your dick?"

 

Then the man pulls his arms out into his sleeves and says "I don't know, but I sure as hell ain't gonna touch it!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

At a computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating the following: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following characteristics:

 

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

 

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.

 

3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would accept this, restart, and drive on.

 

4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart; in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

 

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought 'Car95' or 'CarNT.' Then you would have to buy more seats.

 

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was more reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

 

7. The oil, water, temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single 'general car fault' warning light.

 

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same butt size.

 

9. The airbag system would say 'Are you sure?' before going off.

 

10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

 

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 per cent or more.

 

12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

 

13. You'd press the 'Start' button to shut off the engine.â€

[Ian]

:lol:

[jim]

Found another old one - hope you like it.

 

This is a true story from the Microsoft helpline. Needless to say the helpdesk employee was fired; however, he is currently suing the Microsoft organization for "unfair dismissal".

 

This is the actual dialogue of the former Microsoft Customer Support employee:...........

 

"Ridge Hall, computer assistant; may I help you?"

 

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with Microsoft Word."

 

"What sort of trouble?"

 

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

 

"Went away?"

 

"They disappeared."

 

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

 

"Nothing. It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

 

"Are you still in Word, or did you get out?"

 

"How do I tell?"

 

"Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

 

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

 

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

 

"What's a monitor?"

 

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

 

"I don't know."

 

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

 

"Yes, I think so."

 

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

 

".......Yes, it is."

 

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

 

"No."

 

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

 

"....... Okay, here it is."

 

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

 

"I can't reach."

 

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

 

"No."

 

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

 

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

 

"Dark?"

 

"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

 

"Well, turn on the office light then."

 

"I can't."

 

"No? Why not?"

 

"Because there's a power cut."

 

"A power... A power cut? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

 

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

 

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

 

"Really? Is it that bad?"

 

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

 

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

 

"Tell them you're too f...ing stupid to own a computer."

[sunset350z]

[Trev-the-Rev]

[Sarnie]