Sylvester Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 Subject: Passport Application Dear Minister, I'm in the process of renewing my passport but I am a total loss to understand or believe the hoops I am being asked to jump through. How is it that Bert Smith of T.V. Rentals Basingstoke has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish from them back in 1994, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date? How come that nice West African immigrant chappy who comes round every Thursday night with his DVD rentals van can tell me every film or video I have had out since he started his business up eleven years ago, yet you still want me to remind you of my last three jobs, two of which were with contractors working for the government? How come the T.V. detector van can tell if my T.V. is on, what channel I am watching and whether I have paid my licence or not, and yet if I win the government run lottery they have no idea I have won or where I am and will keep the bloody money to themselves if I fail to claim in good time. Do you people do this by hand? You have my birth date on numerous files you hold on me, including the one with all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30-odd years. It's on my health insurance card, my driver's licence, on the last four passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes and boats over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done every ten years and the electoral registration forms I have to complete, by law, every time our lords and masters are up for re-election. Would somebody please take note, once and for all, I was born in Maidenhead on the 4th of March 1957, my mother's name is Mary, her maiden name was Reynolds, my father's name is Robert, and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and the day I die! I apologise Minister. I'm obviously not myself this morning. But between you and me, I have simply had enough! You mail the application to my house, then you ask me for my address. What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthals working there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to activate the Fifth Reich for God's sake! I just want to go and park my weary backside on a sunny, sandy beach for a couple of week's well-earned rest away from all this crap. Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to back to Salisbury and get another copy of my birth certificate because you lost the last one. AND to the tune of 60 quid! What a racket THAT is!! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day? But nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some tosser to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture - you know... the one where we're not allowed to smile in in case we look as if we are enjoying the process! Hey, you know why we can't smile? 'Cause we're totally jacked off! I served in the armed forces for more than 25 years including over ten years at the Ministry of Defence in London. I have had security clearances which allowed me to sit in the Cabinet Office, five seats away from the Prime Minister while he was being briefed on the first Gulf War and I have been doing volunteer work for the British Red Cross ever since I left the Services. However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am -- you know, someone like my doctor... who, before he got his medical degree 6 months ago WAS LIVING IN PAKISTAN... Yours sincerely, An Irate British Citizen. One-Liners from the Edinburgh Festival I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat. - Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation. - Jimmy Carr The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears. - Chris Addison at the Pleasance My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs. - Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died... Dido must be sh*tting herself. - Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night. - Susan Murray at the Underbelly Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks? - Adam Bloom at the Pleasance My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t. - Susan Murray at the Underbelly You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening... was it self-raising?" - Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face. - Jeremy Limb, at the Trap I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help". - Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a hoax. - Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time. - Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms A talking dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber?" - Steven Alan Green at C34 It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake. - Chris Addison at the Pleasance If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that. - Milton Jones at the Unknown Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
martinmac Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 Absolutely superb bud :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trev-the-Rev Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 Brilliant. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mbs Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 The Dido one killed me, can't stop laughing Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sinbad Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 :lol: Loved the passport one! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lomoto Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Toon Chris Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 Nice Some good gags there Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ian Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jim Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 Most excellent. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sarnie Posted March 31, 2008 Share Posted March 31, 2008 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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