Step Children and relationship break ups....

[Ekona]

I read it too, I thought it was very open and honest and it made a lot of sense. No harm in what you said at all fella

[nowhereboy]

Thanks Olly.

 

Yea all this ruminating is getting me nowhere.

 

I contacted her recently to tell her I'd be moving down south for a while, she updated me on her new job, she's not going for it full time anymore as she doesn't think it's fair on her son. So she will be staying in her old Job and working the odd shift for the Hospital on the side.

 

I asked her again if we could talk or meet to clear up loose ends, she told me she was busy that day and will text me to let me know. She's just became so indifferent towards me, it's weird as the first few weeks after the break up she was very nice and friendly. I haven't smothered her at all and it had been over two weeks since the last time I spoke to her.

 

I'm still paying her insurance, In most peoples opinion this makes me a walkover, it probably does but I think it's an Honorable thing to do for now, I know she needs the car for school runs etc.

 

I do feel a bit miffed that she won't talk to me but is happy to let me support her in this way. I know her quite well and she's probably desperate to take over the insurance in her own name but not in a position to do so right now.

Edited March 7, 2017 by nowhereboy

[Ekona]

I don't think it makes you a walkover, but paying for her insurance is no longer your responsibility: It's hers. If she needs the car for school runs, then she needs to make sure she can sort that herself.

 

You need to stop asking her things, and start telling her things. If she won't meet face to face then that's fine, people have lives to get on with, but then send her a letter telling her what needs to be sorted. For example, tell her you'll pay the insurance up to the end of April, and the loan as well up to the same point. This gives her time to sort things, but also gives a final cut off that she knows to stick to.

 

 

In a few years time you'll look back on this and agree with me, I promise. I kept my other half on the mortgage of my old place for way longer than was healthy, and it did no benefit to either of us.

[mammoth200]

I don't think it makes you a walkover, but paying for her insurance is no longer your responsibility: It's hers. If she needs the car for school runs, then she needs to make sure she can sort that herself.

 

You need to stop asking her things, and start telling her things. If she won't meet face to face then that's fine, people have lives to get on with, but then send her a letter telling her what needs to be sorted. For example, tell her you'll pay the insurance up to the end of April, and the loan as well up to the same point. This gives her time to sort things, but also gives a final cut off that she knows to stick to.

 

 

In a few years time you'll look back on this and agree with me, I promise. I kept my other half on the mortgage of my old place for way longer than was healthy, and it did no benefit to either of us.

 

Yeah I second this. I think rather than ask politely when she would like to meet, you need to be firm to get this sorted, for your own benefit. I've been walked on many a time because I was pussyfooting around with things like this, she would say 'no I can't do that day' and when you'd ask for a suggestion for when to meet you'd get fobbed off with 'I'll let you know later'. I would also agree with Ekona though, a letter in this instance might be better.

 

I had a slightly less amicable break up with my ex. After she disappeared for 2 days, she returned home and decided to tell me it's over, and tried and move her new bloke into our flat on the same day (she was actually a psycho, I do not use the term lightly) I had packed my bags and left within a week. No sooner had I left she was calling me, telling me I need to pay my half of the rent, and to pay the council tax, energy bills etc. I fixed that by calling the landlord, explained she'd taken over tenancy with her new man and they immediately took me off their books. I then took my sim card out of my phone, snapped it in half, and I've not heard from her since. It took me a solid 8 years to erase the financial ruin that woman put me in.

 

Paying her insurance is another tie to her you need to sever. Having things like this holding on will just prolong the ordeal for you more than it already has.

[nowhereboy]

Yea man, it's been a month and a half now but I don't feel any further forward because of all this.

 

I know it's daft but I can't seem to let go of hope, I keep feeling like if I can just just get her to meet with me or talk on the phone she might open up to me, I'd like to show her that I'm no longer the weak emotional wreck I had became in the end months of our relationship and I'm bettering myself and taking care of things. This mind set is obviously holding me back from moving on.

 

I can see how unattractive I became in the end to be honest, I made all the typical mistakes one tends to make when they can feel their partner drifting.

 

It's easy for her to be indifferent via text message, I want to speak with her properly to see where she is at with everything. I think she's avoiding a phone conversation because she expects me to be a whimpering mess and she doesn't want to deal with that, I still care for her but I'm done making a fool of myself.

 

I feel like there is so much left unsaid on my part and I can't seem to let go of her until I've said what I need to.

 

Denial is a cruel bitch.

[Ekona]

I can see how unattractive I became in the end to be honest, I made all the typical mistakes one tends to make when they can feel their partner drifting.

100% wrong here buddy. You didn't become unattractive, you BOTH just became different people who wanted different things. That's normal, people change over time, I bet you're not the same person you are today as when you were 20. To go back to my own experience, I remember crying myself to sleep in my kitchen one night after I'd broken up with my Ex, and I remember thinking just how I should've gone out with her and her friends more rather than spend time chatting to friends on the internet and faffing around with cars. I was utterly despondent.

 

Today, I'm with someone who enjoys my company but understands I have other interests: Some she shares, like cars; some she doesn't, like chatting with strangers on the internet! What I'm getting at is that the person I wanted to spend my life with wasn't the person I thought it was, and I DID find someone who accepted me and tells me to go do my own things every now and then as otherwise I irritate her, but in a joking way.

 

 

I feel like there is so much left unsaid on my part and I can't seem to let go of her until I've said what I need to.

Then say it. Write it all down in a letter, and send it to her. I did this, and it does make you feel better when you've said your piece.

[nowhereboy]

Cheers Dan, I think writing a letter is a good idea, I've been wanting to write one too her son for when he's a bit older too. I've been putting it off because I know it's going to break me when I write it.

 

I have so many photos and videos of me and her son on my phone too, I made a daft little edited video of me and her son before we split, it's about 5 minutes long, footage of us playing in the park, out in the car, building toys and playing with snap chat etc.

 

I have been toying with the idea of making a scrap book for him, with all the pictures of us together and attach a letter to it.

[nixy]

I've been through more than my fair share of trauma in terms of relationships and have every sympathy with all the issues within it. I have to say though, that although I am not an everyday visitor as I used to be, the forum has never felt so one sided to me. And expressions like c*nt with a c*unt are not something I have been used to seeing on here - Pistonheads maybe, but not here.

But hey, perhaps it's my time of the month!

[Olly350z]

I think thats half the reason Nixy, it will predominantly feel biased and one sided because the majority here are guys, because thats the nature of our passion. You're in the minority because you're female, however thats definitely nothing to be grumbled about, we need more female car lovers like yourself! Lets be honest if this was a female forum the tables would be reversed!

 

I dont know you personally, hell I dont actually know anyone on here personally yet because ive not been to a single meet, but I can safely say its not personal nor is this aimed at brandishing all with the same brush.

 

We've all been through the mill relationship wise one way or another, and im not denying for a second that guys arnt as bad, because they are and thats just an out and out lie. Everyday visitor or not, we're all part of the same great hobby and thats 350s!

[TT350]

I've been through more than my fair share of trauma in terms of relationships and have every sympathy with all the issues within it. I have to say though, that although I am not an everyday visitor as I used to be, the forum has never felt so one sided to me. And exp<b></b>ressions like c*nt with a c*unt are not something I have been used to seeing on here - Pistonheads maybe, but not here.

But hey, perhaps it's my time of the month!

 

If you're referring to me when I was talking about my brother, I didn't put c*unt. I did actually put c*nt. And it's not a word I use lightly. In his case, it fits.

 

It's a mostly male forum and it appears most of us have been royally shafted at a moments notice by the ones we love(d). We can only comment in a manner that relates to our experience. I've been on mostly female forums before and I can definitely say they're much more direct and scathing in their opinion of men. Is it a coincidence we've all had a similar experience with a woman?

 

Do you think we should censor our opinion and water down our experience and walk the line of political correctness?

 

If you do, then you stay and I'll leave.

[Jetpilot]

it will predominantly feel biased and one sided because the majority here are guys

 

If one of the sprinkles came on and said their boyfriend had done exactly the same thing i dont think one guy on here would question the other side of the story, unless jumping350 has had a threesome with her mum and sister/brother/nan etc no one deserves that kind of treatment, hell, even if there was a note left to explain it that would go a small way to justification.

 

I may not be as pc as this forum would like so i wont use the c word again, but if the cap fits, wear it, male or female!

[Olly350z]

I didnt mean that at all Jetpilot, youve misunderstood ms. Its biased because theres lots of stories about how men have been treated and none vise versa, because my point stands, there are more fellas then females on here! Im sure Nixy has some stories to tell that are equally bad!

[Jetpilot]

I read Nixy's and you're post that the opinions were one sided because its a male dominated environment, sorry if i misunderstood. My opinion would be the same for jumping350 situation whether male or female.

[Olly350z]

It is a male dominated environment though, thats the thing. So far nixy is the only female to have commented on this thread, probably because shes the only female whos logged on in a couple days where as the majority of us visit daily, so you can see how it would come across as one sided.

 

However that being said, I totally agree with you that regardless of gender, treating people, especially significant others is not on in any way shape or form

[TT350]

obviously men can be real douchebags. But my discrepancy is with the fact that USUALLY with a guy, there's warning signs. Bit of a lad, likes his booze and football, always out with mates (not that the previous 3 things are warning signs) a rogue, a rebel, so on and so on.

 

Women go for them time and again then grumble when they get burned.

 

As far as I'm aware we've all been stung by 'nice' homely women.

 

I avoid wild women at all costs. They're repulsive.

 

RE: Disdain at male opinions on here. It'd be hard to justify going to a female dominated forum then grumble opinions were too one sided with regards to gender.

Edited March 7, 2017 by TT350

[sipar69]

There's a lot of generalising about women in this thread when, let's face it, indiviluals from both sexes are capable of behaving like absolute sh*ts to one another, especially when it comes to relationships.

[TT350]

There's a lot of generalising about women in this thread when, let's face it, indiviluals from both sexes are capable of behaving like absolute sh*ts to one another, especially when it comes to relationships.

 

Absolutely.

[Olly350z]

There's a lot of generalising about women in this thread when, let's face it, indiviluals from both sexes are capable of behaving like absolute sh*ts to one another, especially when it comes to relationships.

 

Absolutely this 1000%.

[Flex]

My parents split when I was about 8.

 

Was awful.

 

I doubt you'll be able to soften the blow to the kid, if you have time to spend with the kid, perhaps and I'm no child psychologist you might be able to slowly introduce him to the idea that you wont be around so much longer term. I appreciate in reality this might not work but if you have the time and the energy to try then I would.

 

Reality is though you'll meet someone eventually and have to move on.

 

My two penneth.

[glrnet]

Yes but well and truly on the mend now

Aye, and good to hear.

 

Just saying that from what I can gather of your story, despite being 1-sided, I don't think she deserves anything from you.

 

She may think you owe her financially (which in itself sounds like bollocks to me), but she owes you temporally and psychologically, both of which are more valuable than any amount of money.

 

I feel the same way. Now that the mind fog of being dumped and the fact I no longer want her back has cleared, I can see it all for what it is.

 

Whereas previously (initially) I would have done anything to get back with her. Including paying up any amount.

 

I don't think I could treat someone the same way she's treated me. Merely an object to be discarded.

 

I got dumped because I was very withdrawn from the relationship and wasn't contributing as much emotionally as I should have. But she knew why that was and I was getting better, especially after I came off Fluoxetine. But she'd already decided to end it.

 

She knew what position I'd be in if we broke up (that id be completely on my own) and she knew I was really struggling with depression and anxiety and major low confidence.

 

We'd been out for a few meals over the course of the last 9 months which I paid for and she never once thanked me.

 

One day I made a big batch of peppercorn sauce for her, which she loves. She returned the tupperwear unwashed, she always used to wash things meticulously if she had to return the container. A small detail but it really summed it all up in my mind and that's when I put an end to all contact.

 

That was about 6 months ago.

 

Anyway. I don't want to contaminate the OP's thread unless he feels it's of benefit to have something to relate to.

 

Don't worry, talk away dude!

 

I've been offered a job training new staff for my company in Manchester for the rest of the year, the money is good and getting away from Newcastle might be just what I need to clear my head. Should be able to save a nice chunk of money by the end of the year.

 

Edit - Gave away too much personal info so deleted most of the post.

Go for it. You'll never know until you try but it MIGHT just be the best thing you ever did.

[Ekona]

I dunno, swapping Newcastle for Manchester doesn't seem a fair swap by any means

[TT350]

I dunno, swapping Newcastle for Manchester doesn't seem a fair swap by any means

 

U wot m8?

[Ekona]

He said he was offered the chance to move to Manchester for a job, which would mean relocating from Newcastle. Graham said that might be the best thing he ever did,to which I wittily retorted that swapping Newcastle for Manchester isn't fair, intimating that Newcastle is a much nicer place to be than the sh*thole that is Manchester.

 

[rabbitstew]

She hasn't got a leg to stand on. I don't HAVE to give her anything.

 

You can't just turn round and say "I want compensation because it didn't work out"

 

She'll get what I consider fair. Nothing more nothing less. I've got my own life to set up, I'm not going to be setting hers up!

 

Pretty mad really how some women think.

 

Before I got married I lived with 2 other GF`s over the years. GF "A" paid me £400 a month to live in my house which went towards the bills/food/upkeep. The house was in my name and I made sure I paid for everything myself. I figured it was a fair deal as before then she was paying something like £700 a month to rent a flat plus all the bills. So, in theory she should be saving £300 a month. We lived together for 3 years before splitting then her parents hit me with a solicitors letter demanding half the house. I spoke to my solicitors who basically said that she was entitled to nothing. But, as a good will gesture I gave her £1500 which would be able to set her up in a rented flat, so basically she would be no worse off than she was before she moved in. In fact, £300 a month savings over 3 years meant she should be very well off.

 

GF "B" on the other hand, she lived with me for 2 years and paid me absolutely nothing towards living there. She basically saved a fortune up, then dumped me and went off and bought a new car, had a couple of nice holidays, bought a big telly and then spent the rest as a deposit on a house with her ex bf. At no point did I think "hang on", the relationship failed, I want £x amount back from you.

[Jetpilot]

^^^ I am afraid thats just the way the law works mate, i have know many a guy who has to pay a very very healthy divorce settlement (6 figure sums) even though it the wives who cheated and filed for the divorce, as biased as we may be on here, any guys been paid out, i doubt it

 

I know a fella recently, his wife got busted having an affair, they agreed to split house etc right down the middle and a whole host of other stuff that saw her very comfortable, she then decides a few weeks later that isnt enough and wants to go after half his pension fund (industrial units and savings)

Edited March 8, 2017 by Jetpilot