Ponsonby Posted February 14, 2017 Share Posted February 14, 2017 Depending on your mental strength, there is no reason why not to have contact with the child if your ex is happy with that. Just because you are not the man for her does not necessarily mean that she does does not value you as a father figure or good influence on the child. Just don't keep the contact with the child in the hope that you will get back together - treat it as an entirely different relationship. You could still do fun things with the child, football, car meets or whatever activities you used to enjoy together - in fact it will probably be more fun because you will be forced to think of more new and fun things to do. Just collect the child and go out, do not sit aound in your ex's house. Be aware that your involvement with the child may become less with time particularly if a new man comes along. However, by this time you will have adjusted to things, may have a new person in your life, and can console yourself knowing that you did your best for the young one. Good luck. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TT350 Posted February 14, 2017 Share Posted February 14, 2017 Depending on your mental strength, there is no reason why not to have contact with the child if your ex is happy with that. Just because you are not the man for her does not necessarily mean that she does does not value you as a father figure or good influence on the child. Just don't keep the contact with the child in the hope that you will get back together - treat it as an entirely different relationship. You could still do fun things with the child, football, car meets or whatever activities you used to enjoy together - in fact it will probably be more fun because you will be forced to think of more new and fun things to do. Just collect the child and go out, do not sit aound in your ex's house. Be aware that your involvement with the child may become less with time particularly if a new man comes along. However, by this time you will have adjusted to things, may have a new person in your life, and can console yourself knowing that you did your best for the young one. Good luck. He can't. This woman has bounced him around like a basketball, having him dangling on a piece of string. Will she, won't she? He needs a clean break so he can gather himself together. She's been irresponsible and selfish as far as her child is concerned by having him in and out of the kids life. Any blame for what effects it's had in the child can be heaped on her. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ponsonby Posted February 14, 2017 Share Posted February 14, 2017 Depending on your mental strength, there is no reason why not to have contact with the child if your ex is happy with that. Just because you are not the man for her does not necessarily mean that she does does not value you as a father figure or good influence on the child. Just don't keep the contact with the child in the hope that you will get back together - treat it as an entirely different relationship. You could still do fun things with the child, football, car meets or whatever activities you used to enjoy together - in fact it will probably be more fun because you will be forced to think of more new and fun things to do. Just collect the child and go out, do not sit aound in your ex's house. Be aware that your involvement with the child may become less with time particularly if a new man comes along. However, by this time you will have adjusted to things, may have a new person in your life, and can console yourself knowing that you did your best for the young one. Good luck. He can't. This woman has bounced him around like a basketball, having him dangling on a piece of string. Will she, won't she? He needs a clean break so he can gather himself together. She's been irresponsible and selfish as far as her child is concerned by having him in and out of the kids life. Any blame for what effects it's had in the child can be heaped on her. The O/P has brought the child up as his own and probably loves the child as his own - in which case why sever that relationship? No point hurting the innocent party (child) if a) you dont want to or you dont need to. The outcome depends on the relationship with mother / child and also the OP's own mental state. If he cannot handle it then fair enough, no criticism from me. However, I get the impression that the OP wants to maintain a relationship with the child so am just offering an alternative point of view to the 'run away and try to sleep with as many women as possible' scenario. I have a child with an ex wife, split when child was around 6. My new wife had a 4 year old when I met her who I have brought up as my own so have seen both sides of the coin. On a side note TT, I was very bitter when I split with first wife and had a serious mistrust of women. I took councelling because I felt it was the only way I could have a good relationship again. Can really recommend it if you are still struggling - gets rid of the demons. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jetpilot Posted February 14, 2017 Share Posted February 14, 2017 Will she, won't she? She wont, will she doesnt even come into it, women are like monkeys, they wont let go of one branch until they have got hold of another and as soon as she does, she will probably decide for herself she doesnt want the op seeing the kid, so better to make his own decision now rather than forced on him later. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TT350 Posted February 14, 2017 Share Posted February 14, 2017 I don't mistrust women. I couldn't imagine being of that mindset because it practically guarantees I'll never be happy in a relationship again. It's of my opinion that as soon as soon as she can, the OP's partner will simply move on and remove him from her life and the child's. Judging by her behaviour so far. It may carry on a while with her being up and down with allowing him to see the kid depending on her mood. If there was an indication that she was mature and fair then maybe it could be possible. But I think everyone concerned will come out worse :-( I've seen it happen with a lot of my old friends. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nowhereboy Posted February 14, 2017 Author Share Posted February 14, 2017 (edited) I can totally see why the general opinion is to walk away completely and it's funny because if I was an outsider giving advice on this I'd probably say the same thing. I think until you have raised a small child as your own and watched them grow into something you helped create it's very hard to understand how hard it is to walk away from that. To be honest I don't think my ex would ever stop me from seeing her son completely, unless I became too emotional and difficult to deal with. Yesterday I was all set on going no contact and walking but today I'm not feeling so strong about it. I think me and the ex need a proper sit down (face to face) grown up chat about the future and what the best way to go about this for everyone involved is. It might help me with some form of closure too.... Edited February 14, 2017 by nowhereboy 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ekona Posted February 14, 2017 Share Posted February 14, 2017 I think you need to decide what's best for you first. Don't worry about her, don't worry about the boy, just make sure that you come out of this with everything you need to carry YOUR life on. At this point everything else is irrelevant. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
docwra Posted February 14, 2017 Share Posted February 14, 2017 I think me and the ex need a proper sit down (face to face) grown up chat about the future and what the best way to go about this for everyone involved is As Ekona says, the only person you should be considering is you. Not the kid and definitely not her. Dont take this the wrong way but youre already coming across a bit weak, the likelyhood of her exploiting this is high. Clean break for 6 months, if you still want contact with the kid after that then it will still be an option but seeing your ex every week is not going to help matters at all. And youre right, its a lot easier giving this advice than taking it but most of us have been there at some point. At the moment your life is stalled, you can sit in your current layby and enjoy the same depressing view for the rest of your life or you can get a jump start and go see whats further up the road 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
grahamc Posted February 14, 2017 Share Posted February 14, 2017 I have never had kids, never wanted.... IMO you cannot hang out to the hope that she might change her mind. If this is the 3rd break up in a year, there is something wrong. You need to move on and hanging around (with feelings for her) will just hold you back and screw with your head even more. If you want to see the child, I would suggest that that is arranged and you do NOT spend time at her place. But then what happens when she finds someone else, doesnt want you around at all anymore and tells you thats it, you cannot see the child. It will be easier for you to do both at the same time. Personally, I ended my 15 year relationship last year, no contact except for information about the split of assets. Its the only way to do it! 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TT350 Posted February 14, 2017 Share Posted February 14, 2017 Well. All the best. You'll reach a point where you will do what's best for you. And if you don't you're in for a long rollercoaster ride and being all strung out. I can of course see that people feel a sense of loyalty and responsibility for children that aren't theirs especially when they've raised the kid. But mate, the point of life is to be happy. I see sooooooo goddamn many decent guys just resign to the fact their life is over and the only objective now is to ensure the survival of the child that ISN'T theirs. They put themselves through a meaningless existence hung up on not being able to see the kid because there's a new man in the scene and the woman no longer sees the point of keeping you around to see a kid who isn't yours. It winds me up and I don't want to see it happen to yet another guy. "Oh but it's not the kids fault, he shouldn't not be able to see my because of her. I raised him as my own. Surely I have rights?" Good guys reduced to blubbering wrecks. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Keyser Posted February 14, 2017 Share Posted February 14, 2017 Not commented yet but from some limited experience what TT said above is on the money. My 2c is walk away mate it's not just the right thing to do it's the only thing to do! Good luck whatever you decide I hope you get through this as quickly and painlessly as possible. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marzman Posted February 14, 2017 Share Posted February 14, 2017 I think you should count yourself lucky. I've just spent nearly 7 quid on some flowers and chocolates for valentines day... although i ate the chocolates myself so im only down like £6. ... sorry couldnt resist. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marzman Posted February 14, 2017 Share Posted February 14, 2017 I cant comment on the relationship side of things, but as a kid from a broken home, my parents split up and my Dad moved to the USA a couple of months later and has been there ever since. I see him on average once every 3 years maybe. I used to speak to him every Sunday night on the phone as a kid. Now i Face Time him once a month maybe. I have to say it had ZERO negative impact on me growing up - my mum replaced him within 12 months with a step dad who is awesome. He's not better than my Dad, just different, and i wouldnt have him in my life if my Dad hadnt left. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nowhereboy Posted February 14, 2017 Author Share Posted February 14, 2017 Thanks for the support everyone Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rabbitstew Posted February 14, 2017 Share Posted February 14, 2017 I think until you have raised a small child as your own and watched them grow into something you helped create it's very hard to understand how hard it is to walk away from that. It is hard, but its very often the best way forward else things get very complicated. A good few years ago I was dating a single mum for a number of years. I was father figure to her daughter from the age of about 2 until 5. Her real dad had ran off with some 18 year old bird. I taught that kid the alphabet, how to count, add up etc, how to tie shoe laces, left & right etc. etc. When it came to Christmas`s I had to go and make myself scarce whilst the real dad came in and lavished her with gifts, but as soon as he went it was back to me being her dad. I remember videoing her at her first school Christmas play etc as well as attending parents evenings, santa grottos, teaching her how to ride her bike etc. It was great fun and certainly taught me a lot about myself I didnt know I could do. Her mum on the other hand was a bit of a psycho. She was all over me when she thought I wasnt interested in her. She loved the bad boy sort of person and she thought that me with my motorbikes, muscles etc was that person. Once id moved in and she realised I was no longer much of a challenge she used to cause arguments to try and push me away. If I then broke up with her, she`d be all begging me back etc. It was mad really as I am not an argumentative or aggressive person in relationships and yet she would be pushing all the buttons to make me mad. In the end I realised the relationship just wasnt healthy, I wasnt happy and decided to pull the plug. It was very hard as it was like loosing 2 people, both my ex and her daughter. Initially I thought maybe I could carry on seeing the daughter, but it would have been just too weird. After all, I wasnt her real dad. My ex in the end met some older bloke who had a couple of kids of his own and to my knowledge they are still together now some many years later. Who knows whether the daughter ever asked about me or not. I presume the new bloke took over where i left, and of course she still saw her real dad occasionally. I actually found the daughter on facebook the other year, and it was a hell of a shock seeing that the 3 year old kid was now at university etc.. was nice to see that she appeared to have turned out to be a level headed, sensible girl doing well for herself after all those years. Also made me feel exceptionally old that had things had worked out differently I could have had a 21 year old step daughter. Mad. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nowhereboy Posted February 14, 2017 Author Share Posted February 14, 2017 Thanks Rabbit Stew, interesting story. I found my ex very hard to understand, she could be the softest most precious woman one minute and a bit of a raging lunatic the next (this could be said for many woman in general tbf ). It seems a woman with a child is naturally very defensive and I felt like I was constantly trying to prove to her I'm a decent, honest guy who wasn't there to hurt her. It's basically a complete minefield dating a woman with a young child, I'm just so frustrated that after years of getting to a point where everything ran smoothly she states she's lost feelings after all the tough times etc. I felt like we were finally getting to a point where we had found the balance between working, parenting, seeing each other and having a bit of personal time. Getting this balance right has been the cause of a lot of our issues. It hasn't all been bad and we've had some great times together, I do feel like she never really accepted that a step family will require a decent amount of work to get everything running smoothly and kind of expected me to move into the house and hit the ground running with no problems etc. I struggled a lot at first because it's VERY hard to go from being a single bloke with lots of friends/hobbies and no responsibility to basically married with children overnight. I had no time for myself at all and because in the early days my feelings for her son hadn't developed I was overwhelmed with everything. I've learnt a load from this relationship mind, realized that their is way more to life than boozing and going out on the drink with the lads every weekend. Problem is, now I'm all grown up and back on my own with not a lot to do. I don't want to go back to clubbing and living a young lads life anymore. This has made me realize I want and am ready a family. It's just a shame I wasn't quite there when I first met her. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TT350 Posted February 14, 2017 Share Posted February 14, 2017 (edited) Dude you're exactly the same as me. I had problems in my relationship that I'd managed to totally get on top of (depression, anxiety and inferiority complex) after a lot of trial and error. I'd just sorted it out. Got straight in my mind and a new lease on life. Energised and ready to really put all of my new self into the relationship. But no. Ex had other ideas. Seems like she waited until I'd crawled out of the hole to throw me back in it. Like you I no longer want to go boozing. I want someone to love. To come home to. To have impromptu shopping trips for cushions and throws! To cuddle on the couch while we both watch a series we both love after cooking a nice meal. But nope. I was yanked from those things and cut off. I don't have any parents, hers were like my new ones. I don't have any friends (kids taking up their life) hers were like my new friends. I was suddenly reduced to life sat on a couch with no one calling, no one texting and no one knocking on the door. But I'm 85% of the way out of that hole now. If I can do it you sure as hell can. Edited February 14, 2017 by TT350 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Strudul Posted February 14, 2017 Share Posted February 14, 2017 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rabbitstew Posted February 15, 2017 Share Posted February 15, 2017 ^^^^^^^ Me & my mates have a saying that women come & go but your motorbike is always there for you. Very true in my case, ive had one of my motorbikes since 1996 and so its been with me through thick & thin and many various different relationships. This has made me realize I want and am ready a family. As someone who now is married with 2 kids id say you are mad saying the above I frequently wish I was single again so I could actually have some "me time" and enjoy the various hobbies/interests I used to enjoy before I got married. Sure, its nice having someone to cuddle occasionally, but once married you end up being like a slave/hired help running around trying to keep the place looking remotely clean/tidy after its been trashed by the kids. Every weekend is written off with "family" activities - again, nice to do that stuff sometimes but not every single weekend. And you seemingly never have any spare money and more with money going out of the door on "stuff" quicker than it can come in. Oh to be single again! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nowhereboy Posted February 16, 2017 Author Share Posted February 16, 2017 Quick update for those who are interested. We spoke last night and I could tell she couldn't really be bothered to talk, she also stated it's for the best if I stop seeing her son. So that's it folks, decision has been made for me anyway (as some of you predicted). She said she meant what she said about remaining friends but doesn't wish to be in contact with me every week etc and it's clear at this point she needs space as well as me. So I feel I've done all I can, I've told her I won't contact her, I've deleted her off all social media outlets and intend on trying to move forward with my life now. feeling a mixture of emotions today, almost relived in a sense that I can put this behind me but also feeling like I will miss her and her son very much. I think all the promises of forever and sweet moments remain in your head at a time like this and it's hard to swallow knowing that someone who would once go to the moon and back for you doesn't even want to talk. 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nowhereboy Posted February 16, 2017 Author Share Posted February 16, 2017 Anyway on a more positive note - @*!# loads of spare time for car shows this year 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ekona Posted February 16, 2017 Share Posted February 16, 2017 Sounds like a very positive step forward, although an incredibly hard one to take. FWIW I think you're doing exactly the right thing for all parties, even though it may not feel like it right now. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rabbitstew Posted February 16, 2017 Share Posted February 16, 2017 It will take a good few months to re-adjust, and id keep myself busy to take my mind off things. I would also take the "we can still be friends" with a pinch of salt, it seldom happens. Good luck with everything! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Keyser Posted February 16, 2017 Share Posted February 16, 2017 I think it will be for the best in the long run mate - Whishing yo all the best in the future 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TT350 Posted February 16, 2017 Share Posted February 16, 2017 Quick update for those who are interested. I could tell she couldn't really be bothered to talk, No. She's done with you. It's hard to accept but the fact that she can't just wave a wand and you disappear is really annoying her. The good news is that you're better than that and you deserve better. However it will really play with your mind and for a while you may be wondering how you've become so disposable to someone who used to love you. Try hard not to let this thought consume you. It did me until I wrestled all my emotions into submission. So that's it folks, decision has been made for me anyway (as some of you predicted) Mate, I'm glad it has happened for you. Only for the fact that, you're now free. No more being strung along which is so much worse. The uncertainty is stomach churning. And yes we did say it would happen but the one mercy is that it happened quickly and in a manner that didn't leave room for misinterpretation. Godsend. My ex was really nice and gentle about it all initially but then she reached the point where my being around or in touch with her just made her mad and then the pretense stopped and her attitude towards me changed. Coldness and disregard for tact. Which ultimately put me off her. It helped. She said she meant what she said about remaining friends. Course she did. *groan*. Read that as "I don't want to feel guilty over breaking up with you. Can I get out of jail free please?" So you agree to be friends. Only she wants you to be a friend who isn't actually there and she won't be there for you as a friend. BUT...she wants you there if she needs you. I think all the promises of forever and sweet moments remain in your head at a time like this Yeah you'll really see the past through rose tinted specs for quite a while. Totally normal and it WILL subside. someone who would once go to the moon and back for you doesn't even want to talk. It's so sad, I know. Heartbreaking obviously and it seems such a shame at the time. That Gotye track "Somebody that I used to know" springs to mind. It's almost tangible and physically manifest, the misery that it brings. I'm sorry mate but it's a path you'll take for a while. The only way out is through. Go easy on yourself. Cry if you need to. Remember old times. Let yourself feel every emotion. Binge watch Netflix series'. Watch old films you used to love. Listen to melancholy music or angry music. I recommend The Fragile by Nine Inch Nails. There are people here to talk to mate. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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