jimboy2 Posted September 8, 2016 Share Posted September 8, 2016 (edited) So I'm planning on proposing at some point. Is it still the done thing asking the father for his permission/blessing or whatever. Think this bit scares me the most! No idea how or when I can ever get him alone to ask him. Any tips? I hate any sort of confrontation and I'm very very nervous when it comes to this type of thing. Got sweaty palms just typing this! Help! }sorry mods please move. No idea how this ended up in here ! Edited September 8, 2016 by jimboy2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ekona Posted September 8, 2016 Share Posted September 8, 2016 My first proposal, I didn't ask. Chinese family, not convinced they spoke English enough to understand tbh. My second proposal (different girl), I did. Upper middle class, just felt the right thing to do. My third proposal (different girl again!), I didn't. No father around though, could've asked the working class mother but wanted to keep it a surprise just between myself and my now wife. So basically, go with whatever feels right. If it doesn't feel natural, then don't ask: No-one is really expected to these days. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WINKJ Posted September 8, 2016 Share Posted September 8, 2016 I did mate - he is a luton supporter, not been to a game in years (because they're terrible) so took him and asked before kick off. Would of been an interesting game if he said no! good luck! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tatooandy67 Posted September 8, 2016 Share Posted September 8, 2016 (edited) First wife proposed to me, didn't like the in laws anyway so wasn't bothered about their blessing tbh Current Mrs, father in law seemed to me like he was a very old fashioned man so it seemed the right thing to do, just took him to one side in the pub and quietly asked for his blessing, obviously got it Don't really think it's necessary but some people like to ask, go with the flow, if it feels right go for it Edited September 8, 2016 by tatooandy67 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GMballistic Posted September 8, 2016 Share Posted September 8, 2016 Moved the thread for you jimboy. It all depends on what you think the father/mother in law to be expects. If they think you should do it & you don't then that's forever going to be a bad mark against you in their eyes I'd say. Personally I'm a little old fashioned in my ways so think you should always ask the father. I asked my fiancees father and tbh I know he really appreciated me doing that which I think has put me in good favour with him. Good luck. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paddy78 Posted September 8, 2016 Share Posted September 8, 2016 Yes, if her father is from the 1800's... 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coldel Posted September 8, 2016 Share Posted September 8, 2016 Asked my future father-in-law, very good move in my eyes. I don't think it's old fashioned at all, parents are naturally protective of their children and fathers seem to have this over-bearing protection of their daughters, by asking you are including them in the process, I know my now father-in-law was absolutely dead chuffed I asked his permission first and very thankful. They also got very excited in the lead up to when I was going to ask, all big positives all around really. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ioneabee Posted September 8, 2016 Share Posted September 8, 2016 On the other hand How would you feel if a pimply youf just told you he was going to marry your daughter !!! Without putting it as a question Ok - you as a dad are unlikely to say no, but it wouldn't half go a long way towards good future relationships Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stutopia Posted September 8, 2016 Share Posted September 8, 2016 I'm sure he'd appreciate it and you'd be setting off on the right foot. The only lose scenario is if he forbids it, but that will just make her hotter for it, so either way it's win win. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rabbitstew Posted September 8, 2016 Share Posted September 8, 2016 I didnt ask father in laws permission. Wish I had, as I really regret not. Mainly because im very traditional and so is he. I think he was quite upset that I didnt ask. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Irn Bru Posted September 8, 2016 Share Posted September 8, 2016 Absolutely ask for his blessing, I did. My son in law asked me too before popping the question to my daughter. ....... The first thing she said to him was "have you asked ma faithers permission" ?. THEN she said yes lol. Not old fashioned in any sense, but what it is, is respect and he'll appreciate it. Your asking him to hand over the reigns of responsibility to you that he has had all her life. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coldel Posted September 8, 2016 Share Posted September 8, 2016 Exactly as Brian said, its not old fashioned, showing respect for people never goes out of date 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WINKJ Posted September 8, 2016 Share Posted September 8, 2016 At the end of the day, there is no harm in asking. So why not be respectful and do it anyway, even if neither of you are "traditional". 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sipar69 Posted September 8, 2016 Share Posted September 8, 2016 Absolutely not. What century are we living in? I'm flabbergasted by some of the replies on here. Just keep in mind that asking a question presupposes that you're going take heed of the answer. What do you plan to do if he says he doesn't approve- stop loving her and abandon all hope of marrying her? Unless you live in some sort of wierd child-marrying commune, you're both adults capable of making adult decisions. She's not his possession and you shouldn't ask the question if you're not prepared to act on the answer, even if it's "no". 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Adrian@TORQEN Posted September 8, 2016 Share Posted September 8, 2016 ^ + 100 billion. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andy_Muxlow Posted September 8, 2016 Share Posted September 8, 2016 I think nowadays it's more like a conversation, rather than a question you ask I spoke to me now father in law and I think he appreciated it. I get on really well with my in laws. I also think it's about respect. However as sipar69 says what if he says no way! So basically as per people have said go with your gut feeling about this decision. Sent from my iPad using a hammer and chisel... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brillomaster Posted September 8, 2016 Share Posted September 8, 2016 i didnt ask my future father in laws permission. i briefly considered it, but i didnt see it as relevant this day and age. we'd been together for ages, shes perfectly capable of making her own decision about whether im right for her. perhaps if we were very young or hadnt known each other or he was particularly protective of his daughter, but we'd been living together for the last 6 years away from home, if he objected then he'd had plenty of time to make his feelings known! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ekona Posted September 8, 2016 Share Posted September 8, 2016 I guess it's more to do with the fact most couples are expecting the bride's father to pay for the wedding that they butter him up by asking 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sipar69 Posted September 8, 2016 Share Posted September 8, 2016 The word I have a really serious issue with is 'permission'. You naturally want the parents of your loved one to like you - I was keen to be liked by Jane's parents the first time I met them. But permission derives from the totally archaic idea that a daughter is a possession of her father. Why does an independent adult require permission to marry the person they love? And why isn't the mother's permission necessary? She's the one who went through the pain of child-birth after all. If you buy the whole 'respect' thing you could achieve exactly the same thing by telling both parents in confidence what you're intending to do before you do it. Telling - fine. Asking - no. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
leonk Posted September 9, 2016 Share Posted September 9, 2016 The word I have a really serious issue with is 'permission'. If you buy the whole 'respect' thing you could achieve exactly the same thing by telling both parents in confidence what you're intending to do before you do it. Telling - fine. Asking - no. For me it was more about asking for his blessing or approval and involving them in a very important decisions. More of we're grown ups, are going to get married, definitely don't need your permission just that it would be nice if you liked the idea. My father in law was I think just glad to get her out of the house at last. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rabbitstew Posted September 9, 2016 Share Posted September 9, 2016 The word I have a really serious issue with is 'permission'. If you buy the whole 'respect' thing you could achieve exactly the same thing by telling both parents in confidence what you're intending to do before you do it. Telling - fine. Asking - no. For me it was more about asking for his blessing or approval and involving them in a very important decisions. More of we're grown ups, are going to get married, definitely don't need your permission just that it would be nice if you liked the idea. My father in law was I think just glad to get her out of the house at last. I agree. Its not as if you are actually really asking for his "permission" as such. Its just giving them a heads up ahead of actually asking her, and making them feel special that they are involved in the process. Its all quite exciting and they will feel honored that you told them first. As for "what if he says no?" - I think you will know well ahead of asking if he is likely to say no. Unless you are some sort of muppet and the father in law clearly hates you then he`s going to say yes. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gangzoom Posted September 9, 2016 Share Posted September 9, 2016 I didn't even know you were suppose to ask for permission, found out about the permission thing a few years later . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
leonk Posted September 9, 2016 Share Posted September 9, 2016 ......... Unless you are some sort of muppet and the father in law clearly hates you then he`s going to say yes. Little comments like "her last boyfriend was a really great guy, good job, decent family, we can't for the life of us understand what she's doing with you. We can only assume she's doing it to annoy us" are the usual give away. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ekona Posted September 9, 2016 Share Posted September 9, 2016 "Oh, really? Umm, well tbh I think she could do a lot better, and if you think you're getting a penny out of me towards it then you're mistaken, but ultimately if she's daft enough to say yes then that's her mistake to make. I'll just pay for the lawyer to draw up the prenup in her favour, and make sure she stiffs you in the divorce. So yeah, go on then." 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brillomaster Posted September 9, 2016 Share Posted September 9, 2016 Another thing, I think my wife to be would want to be the one who told her parents that she was engaged! its her big news, she would want to tell them without them already knowing. Actually, I didn't tell anyone I was planning to propose, the only person who knew I was planning to pop the question was the person I bought the ring from. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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