nowhereboy Posted March 21, 2016 Share Posted March 21, 2016 Basically I'm miserable doing the stuff she wants. I'm made to be miserable if I want to do things I want to do. Have you ever heard of narcissism? A few of the things you mentioned raised an eyebrow for me, I've been there before too fella. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TT350 Posted March 21, 2016 Author Share Posted March 21, 2016 Basically I'm miserable doing the stuff she wants. I'm made to be miserable if I want to do things I want to do. Have you ever heard of narcissism? A few of the things you mentioned raised an eyebrow for me, I've been there before too fella. Hmmn I wouldn't say I'm narcissistic. I've given up lots of things as time has gone by and like I say I've lost myself to the relationship. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OllyB Posted March 21, 2016 Share Posted March 21, 2016 I don't normally get involved in these sort of discussions but how old are you? Are there children involved? What would have to change to make you and her happier? 34. No children thank God. I feel lost in the relationship. Feel I've lost who I am. Want kids? Does she? I'm the same age and luckily in a very happy relationship and have been for 4 years, I know people say opposite attract but me and my other half are very similar, like the same things etc and that makes the relationship great. I know it's hard but the very fact that you've come on here and said this suggests you find it hard to talk about this to her, this is your safe place..... It's gonna get ugly but you need to talk to her to let her know there's a problem, gives her the opportunity to open up to you a bit too, I'm sure neither of you want to carry on like this, imagine what life will be like in a year if nothing changes... 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coldel Posted March 21, 2016 Share Posted March 21, 2016 I think have an adult conversation, if she really is as you say in that there is all take and no give then that should come out clear as day for either or both of you and you then have to decide between you what to do next. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paddy78 Posted March 21, 2016 Share Posted March 21, 2016 I think the problem is mismatched personalities. She's happy, in her element, picking cushions, blankets, pillows, pictures, flowers etc. I just have 0 interest in it any more. It's all the time. Every weekend is shopping for this kind of stuff. If I spend an hour cleaning my car in the sun it's hell to pay. The whole day is ruined and she's sat on the couch arms folded face like a slapped bum. And the drivel she watches on TV. Endlessly. American teen moody vampires and werewolves. I don't even bother looking at what's on any more. I got an xbox one but I get a whole guilt trip if I want to spend time on it so it's just not worth it. Basically I'm miserable doing the stuff she wants. I'm made to be miserable if I want to do things I want to do. Dreading this weekend. It's her birthday and got to smile and bear it. I'm not saying I'm perfect in all this. I just don't know how to get past it as we've had discussions plenty. Just going on this tiny incite into you're relationship, you don't sound like you want to spend any time with her? Washing your car and playing Xbox are not couple's activities. Maybe you did ruin her plans if you went and washed your car without giving a thought for what you both had planned for the weekend... it's not just your time off... Maybe watching TV is the only thing she does now because you are so distant and disengaged from the relationship. I'm not taking sides here, just trying to put a different spin on things as it's human nature to think that we are the ones being hard done to. Do you do anything to help around the house? When was the last time you did something together like go for a walk, drive, meal out? To be fair, you don't sound that interested in the relationship any more? 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kbad Posted March 21, 2016 Share Posted March 21, 2016 As some have said it is prudent to have an honest non confrontational conversation about the issues as the response/ result may surprise you and at he very least both parties will have an opportunity to air pent up feeling frustrations with a view to remain friends at the very least with no acrimony afterwards. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nowhereboy Posted March 21, 2016 Share Posted March 21, 2016 Basically I'm miserable doing the stuff she wants. I'm made to be miserable if I want to do things I want to do. Have you ever heard of narcissism? A few of the things you mentioned raised an eyebrow for me, I've been there before too fella. Hmmn I wouldn't say I'm narcissistic. I've given up lots of things as time has gone by and like I say I've lost myself to the relationship. Not you fella, you're mrs! Some of the things you've said raise a few red flags for me, tho it's easy for things to be misinterpreted over the internet so forgive me if I'm way off here. You mentioned it's a problem if you spend an hour of your time washing the car? like you've lost yourself in the relationship? From my experience this feeling tends to come from years of walking on egg shells, trying to please someone with unreal expectations, constantly trying to make someone happy while they do little to make you happy etc and always getting the blame if ANYTHING goes wrong. You spend so long trying to keep them happy you forget who you are, what you care about, what you desire. That sh*t will drive you crazy, I know from personal experience unfortunately. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
veilside z Posted March 21, 2016 Share Posted March 21, 2016 Been there and got the T shirt buddy too many times. Whether or not you have children or not, you come this way only once and deserve to be happy. Its easy to say to knock it on the head but sometimes it is the only option. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coldel Posted March 21, 2016 Share Posted March 21, 2016 Sounds a bit daft, but works for us (the wife and I), is that we found we ended up wanting to do more of what we wanted because we felt the other was not giving me space to do it and we both became quite selfish. It was a self perpetuating problem and we wasn't addressing it. Now, we sit down every few months and draw up a list of non-negotiables, these are the things that personally we need to have. The idea is not only that we identify whats important for me to be happy, but also how she can support me, and vice versa. Not saying we are perfect and we are not by any stretch, but it took us about 7 years to work that out and had some rough patches before that, now we are much more aware of how each others actions affects the other - washing the car doesn't seem like such a stupid thing to her anymore when she sees how happy I am once its done 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gangzoom Posted March 21, 2016 Share Posted March 21, 2016 Dreading this weekend. It's her birthday and got to smile and bear it. If things are that bad than take the pain now, move on, both of you will be thankful it happend sooner rather than later. I've seen a few friends go through similar things, it's always easier to give it a go for another few days and see what happens. A few days than turn to weeks, and before you know it your a couple of years down the line and things are no better. Hope you get things sorted. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ricey Posted March 21, 2016 Share Posted March 21, 2016 Sounds to me like she's firmly rooted on the 'consumer treadmill'. In the end you'll buy everything that can be bought. Life together ultimately boils down to being interested in one another. My missus has no interest in detailing but I tell you what she spends half an hour every day asking me how the day went and listening to crap she's not all that interested in. We make sure we do it every day when we get in and it make such a difference to show interest in one another. Helps that she's not very materialistic as well which in this day and age is a rare find (in both men and women). The prior missus (as per my likening to your situation) only cracked a smile when I proposed to her after she found out how much the ring was! That said it takes 2 to tango and she may feel the same way about you. It just sounds all too familiar to me and even from the few words you've typed it spells another 2 years of limping then fizzle. Not normally one to be so unbalanced on a recommendation but I guess on this one I am. Sent from my SM-G900F using Tapatalk Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Adrian@TORQEN Posted March 21, 2016 Share Posted March 21, 2016 Not saying we are perfect and we are not by any stretch, but it took us about 7 years to work that out and had some rough patches before that, now we are much more aware of how each others actions affects the other - washing the car doesn't seem like such a stupid thing to her anymore when she sees how happy I am once its done Took us 19 years and as you said, we're not perfect, but we're still madly in love with each other. We make everything work by discussing and willing to sacrifice personal pleasure in the interest of the couple / family. I'm still working on my time spent working rather vs time spent with the family. Very, very difficult to find a balance as I'm such an workaholic but at least I realised there's room for improvement Very good advice on this thread, it's what makes this forum a great community, almost like a very big family. On a funny note Gareth, did you mention to your mrs about the TT plans? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
P15UL T Posted March 21, 2016 Share Posted March 21, 2016 (edited) I've been where you are mate. I was in a 16 year relationsship from the age of 15....... We got married after 9 years. Bothe had good jobs and great house , cars etc but we drifted apart ( well from my point of view). She had very little interest in my hobbies and the same could be said about me and hers. It's not that we argues but that was probably down to my laid back nature. Like you I was made to feel bad for doing things that I wanted to do like work on cars or go to shows. I drifted away from all my school friends( and not sideways in a car cause that would be cool ! lol ) I was made to feel bad when I wanted to do something seperatly etc. My problem was I bottled all my feelings up and after a few years I eventually just sat her down and told her I was leaving. It was literally a spur of the moment decision and to this day I have no idea why I picked that moment to tell her. I wish I had handled things differently as it devastated her. I know in my heart it needed to be done but it was the hardest thing I've ever went threw. I'm on the other side of it now and I have no regrets, I'm happy and have the life I think I deserve with a great girl who understands how things should be. We basically set out he ground rules at the start agreeing that we need to be open with each other and not be guilt tripping each other about any decisions. If we have a problem we would talk about it. To this day I don't think there has been any !! Good luck with whichever way you decide to go my friend. It's not easy making the rights choice. But I'm my opinion it's harder to live with the wrong choice Paul Edited March 21, 2016 by P15UL T 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tomb Posted March 21, 2016 Share Posted March 21, 2016 (edited) First thing id do is make sure you TALK about how your feeling with her, very important. The key for me has always been compromise, yeah i spend a whole day detailing the car on our day off , but in turn i will make sure i make the effort another day for her, same with her if she does something that i enjoy or particularly want to do, i take it on the chin get on with it and i know i will get it back in return another time Tom Edited March 21, 2016 by Tomb Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nissanman312 Posted March 21, 2016 Share Posted March 21, 2016 Reading this makes me realise just how much of a diamond my girlfriend is! I have been in your position tho and eventually called time on it. I wouldn't have done half the things I have if I'd of stayed for me it was right to leave I've met some great girls pre this one lol been half way around the world and met some great friends all things I'm certain I wouldn't have dome if I'd stayed Good luck whatever you choose Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bodyboarder81 Posted March 21, 2016 Share Posted March 21, 2016 No advice from me , as its been pretty much covered . Just sending over a man hug 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TT350 Posted March 21, 2016 Author Share Posted March 21, 2016 No advice from me , as its been pretty much covered . Just sending over a man hug Well received. Cheers 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TT350 Posted March 21, 2016 Author Share Posted March 21, 2016 Not saying we are perfect and we are not by any stretch, but it took us about 7 years to work that out and had some rough patches before that, now we are much more aware of how each others actions affects the other - washing the car doesn't seem like such a stupid thing to her anymore when she sees how happy I am once its done Took us 19 years and as you said, we're not perfect, but we're still madly in love with each other. We make everything work by discussing and willing to sacrifice personal pleasure in the interest of the couple / family. I'm still working on my time spent working rather vs time spent with the family. Very, very difficult to find a balance as I'm such an workaholic but at least I realised there's room for improvement Very good advice on this thread, it's what makes this forum a great community, almost like a very big family. On a funny note Gareth, did you mention to your mrs about the TT plans? Lol yes she's fully aware. Perhaps this is why it's going under! It's all your fault Adrian lol. But yeah I've sank as much (more) money into the house etc her Audi. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sipar69 Posted March 21, 2016 Share Posted March 21, 2016 At least you haven't got the whole staying together for the sake of the kids malarkey to contend with. I don't personally think people have to have similar interests to get along and be happy. For everything my other half and I have in common there's something else we don't e.g. I'm interested in cars; she couldn't care less about them. The trick is to respect each other's space, live alongside one another and make time to do stuff you both enjoy. Do you make time to go out together? You need to have a frank conversation. Tell her how you feel and ask her how she feels. You might both be surprised at what happens. Whatever else you do, don't suffer in silence - it'll only get worse! 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Adrian@TORQEN Posted March 21, 2016 Share Posted March 21, 2016 Soooooorry, promise not to do it again! Any future orders you've planned with us will have to be declined :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TT350 Posted March 21, 2016 Author Share Posted March 21, 2016 Soooooorry, promise not to do it again! Any future orders you've planned with us will have to be declined :lol: Lucky I ordered all the parts in one go! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TT350 Posted March 21, 2016 Author Share Posted March 21, 2016 I will reply to everyone who's advised me. Thanks for offering your advice. I appreciate it. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GMballistic Posted March 21, 2016 Share Posted March 21, 2016 Gareth you know me, ...I like to help people when I can but honestly I'm not a relationship councilor so I'm not sure if what I'm going to say is going to help. Hell I can barely stand my own Mrs half the time and often think of a life free of her. It's definitely not a good feeling being at odds with the other person in your life. Nobody imo will know 100% what you're going through even if it feels like they've been in the same situation before as everybody handles things differently & thinks differently. By the sounds of it though you are in a good position in the sense that you at least have a place to move out to with both of you owning homes albeit with you living at hers now. If I was you I'd talk frankly to her and tell her exactly what's going on in your head, ...even your thoughts of ending the relationship. She may well be feeling the same or she may be willing to put in the effort to try and save what's left of your relationship together if that's what you both decide you want to try. Seriously though I've been with my Mrs now for 12+years so despite our problems I do make a concerted effort to talk to her about the way I'm feeling hopefully before things get too out of hand. Good luck buddy. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ekona Posted March 21, 2016 Share Posted March 21, 2016 It's quite surprising the number of people on here who seem to have to 'work' at their relationships. I'm not saying it's a bad thing at all, just that I didn't quite expect that many people (blokes especially) to own up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ioneabee Posted March 21, 2016 Share Posted March 21, 2016 My wife and I have been married for 24 years now - so this is not going to help your situation at all our interest and outlook are sooooo similar its quite weird - our only major difference is the car ........ she has no interest at all (hence the volvo) and expects me "to grow out of it soon" - so, just leaves me to play (plus I handle all the money and accounts - so she has no idea ) we've NEVER had an argument ......... ever - a few minor disgruntled disagreements but thats it 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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